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well.. after 6 cups of coffee and a long chat with a friend.. ryan is off with that emo shit..!! thanks for the long midnight chat at ryan's void deck remus!! well.. people have been telling ryan to face the facts and there are more to face in life than love.. which is true.. thanks for waking ryan up from a very very long sleep.. thanks for that lecture and that 'slap' that made ryan wake up.. though it was a very tiring night as ryan is schooling today.. it was a fruitful night where a heavy load of burden is off ryan's shoulder.. it has been very long since ryan ever felt this good.. and rest assured.. ryan is over that emo shit.. so.. be gone you dumbass!! bleah..

well.. in class now.. breakout 2.. working after school today and MINDY IS NOT AROUND!! srgh..!! stupid gerl.. say wanna come school at last never come!! dammit!! bleah.. hahh.. gonna lecture her at work later.. plus.. perhaps clubbing tonight.. see got who go.. haha.. takkire!!(:

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losing a loved one is hard.. and when that happens, no amount of encouragement will let that person know that you've lost a loved one.. the saying is true.. you will only treasure someone only when they are gone.. but its too late for ryan to have regrets now.. if ryan could have spent another day with you.. ryan would have told you everything.. EVERYTHING.. but now its just some memories that are too precious to lose but too painful to keep.. and regrets are all that ryan has.. leaving class early today to let go of some thoughts.. things are bothering ryan.. why is life this unfair..?? isnt there always a silver lining on a dark cloud.. shouldnt there?? should there..??

trying to keep mum in front of the peeps when they are bitching about you is a tough job.. giving them a happy and smiling face and keeping all the negative thoughts is a trade that ryan has gotten used to over the years.. being plastic in front of people..?? wont say that.. just saying putting on a happy front.. and when things get tough.. telling them smack in the face seems too unbearable.. when people bitch about you.. ryan is the one who defends you.. wasnt it supposed to leave the past life and move on to a better life..??

seeing the faces of your friends and close ones.. ryan wonders when will you be back.. are you gone for good?? this question remains unanswered.. ryan dont understand why that when ryan sees them.. there is a sudden urge to see if you are with them.. but guess you weren't.. being with them only gives hope that you will be there.. false hope.. cos ryan knows that you are not coming back.. on that day.. if you were to stay awhile longer.. ryan would have told you everything.. but you had to leave. and that was the last time that ryan saw you.. ryan never really got the chance to tell you how ryan really felt.. sadness.. sadly.. is part of ryan's life.. why?? is its engraved in ryan to life this kinda life??seeing others happy while ryan live is sorrow..??

if that is how ryan have to live.. making you happy without you having to feel on ounce of saness.. so be it.. though it is an win-lose situation.. win for you and lose for ryan.. cos honestly.. this is no longer a case of "like".. nope it isn't.. its a case of love.. and as long as this feeling stays..

youwillneverbereplaced..
tooprecioustolosebuttoopainfultokeep..
HOW LIKE THAT?!?!

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today's enty will focus on a few things.. what happened the past 2 days, paranoia, and an emo post.. bleah..

well.. after typing the last post.. sebas asked ryan out to supper as the whole group is in yishun celebrating ming yang's birthday.. so ryan headed out.. the rain just ended den and ryan thought that it wasnt gonna rain again.. BUT RYAN WAS SO WRONG!! it didnt rain.. it POURED.. was at yishun central with the guys until 3.30am.. den ryan sebas and calvin left.. on the way home.. ryan fell... it bled but the worse thing was that ryan's knee was twisted and sprained.. ouch..!! dammit.. got MC for this 2 day.. missed ryan's first enterprise UT test and 3rd day absence for basic science module and maths/computing module.. dammit.. now really must chiong for all modules.. total for semester 1 only, this are the absence rate:-
-> cognitive module : 1UT and 2 classes
-> communication module : 2 UT and 2 classes
-> math/computering module : 1 UT and 3 classes
-> enterprise module : 1 UT and 3 classes
-> basic science : 3 classes
this is the breakdown.. based on this.. ryan is so gonna fail maths/computering module lor.. freaking shit!!

okay.. so went to the doctor yesterday to get a checkup.. reached home at 4 and left for town.. reached town at 7?? went cine to find darren, andy, birthdayboy mingyang, calli andrea and crystal. haha.. sat there like for 3 hours den went to tantric to celebrate the birthday.. reached there and darren was already drunk!! bleah.. and so was andy.. hahaha.. and mingyang was on the verge of drunk-ness also lah.. haha.. de saw terry there also.. it was kinda not bad la for a few people and majority was.. erm.. young.. haha.. den at the end of the day. RYAN ALSO WENT DRUNK!! bleah.. cabbed home..

today went town and guess what?? TIO PANG SEH!! wah.. dammit lor.. waited for 3 hours.. SI BEH DU LAN EH..!! didnt answer his call nor sms nor msn.. waah.. du lan lor.. shity ass..

okay... next.. paranoia is like a sickness.. why are people paranoid about what people are talking about behind each other's backs.. we know that they DO NOT HAVE THE GUTS to say it RIGHT SMACK IN YOUR FACE... so they create all this trouble and grab in people who are not involved and they are involved as a third party.. look.. its unfair for that person to be dragged in and there you are.. happy happy.. we know that you're trying to find answer but this is not the way to get your questions answered..! plus dont get paranoid so easily.. those ARE only RUMORS.. get over it.. gossips NEVER STOPS... and as long as the magazines at newstands are in business.. gossips NEVER SLEEPS.. period.. okay??

well going emo now.. the last time ryan saw you.. ryan didnt not expect it to be the last time.. isn't it abit too fast..?? ryan really didnt expect you to go off that fast.. when you walked out that place.. ryan knew something was wrong.. til kenneth said it out.. well.. ryan know that ryan is not in a position to say this but maybe cos ryan misses you.. yuppe.. without your smiles and laughter going around.. its just not right.. the feeling's just different.. its as though something is lost.. and that thing is you.. your presence is needed badly..

more to a personal note.. you're the only one who makes ryan smile.. though ryan wasnt much of a talker.. ryan IS a man of few words.. from the day when ryan first met you at spenelli's at hereen.. on 29th may.. til now..close to 2 months le.. its been a very emotional rollercoaster for ryan.. and you said goodbye like that *snaps fingers*.. wow.. not being sarcastic but it was fast.. well no matter what.. haiz~ its no use saying le.. you're gone..




There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
Oh, seems so long ago you walked away
Left me alone
I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
and maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

Was it something I said
To make you turn away?
To make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way
To make it so that you were right here
But right now..

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains..

You're gone..
You're gone..
Baby you're gone
Girl you're gone, baby girl, you're gone..
You're gone..
You're...

I don't wanna make excuses, baby
Won't change the fact that you're gone
But if there's something that I could do
Won't you please let me know?
Time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
and maybe I could change my every day
But baby I don't want to

So I'll just hang around
and find some things to do
To take my mind off missing you
and I know in my heart
You can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do

Yeeaah....

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I Drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

You're gone..
You're gone..
You're gone
You're gone...you're gone.. you're....
Gone

Ohhh...

Oh what'll I do
If I can't be with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Baby where will I be
Now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart?
Baby why don't you see?
That I need you here with me
Oohhh...

I've been sitting here
Can't get you of my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

Been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

You're gone..
You're gone..
You're gone
You're gone
Gone
You're gone..

But the truth remains
You're....



that;s how important eu are.. but its useless now.. you're gone..

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well.. today's class in school was like damn boring lor.. it was on.. erm~.. forgot liao.. cos it was damn boring.. can only tell that RYAN'S ALSO GONNA FAIL THIS MODULE!! haiz.. ryan has been trying his best to study and concentrate but its just too damn hard.. juggling school, work, social and personal life is not and will never be easy.. ryan is like the oldest 19 year old you can find on the face of this earth!! dammit.. bleah..

well.. on a lighter note.. today didnt go to town to meet the guys.. was at queensway with yutaki and eric.. yuppe.. they wanted to buy some stuff there plus ryan is as usual free so decided to tag along.. bleah.. off-day-and-lazy-to-go-home situation lah.. queensway was like so damn dead lor on weekdays.. haha.. maybe cos its monday.. erm.. eric bought this very gay-ish t-shirt at $30 and yutaki bought this long sleeve shirt?? ya.. at $36.. yuppe.. den we went over to mac as they wanted to have dinner there.. sat there til 8? ya.. den everyone left..

well.. isnt love a complicated matter.. erm~ how should ryan put it.. fcuk love?? ya.. some sort to that tune.. its of the situation that ryan is in now that makes falling in love so goddamn hard.. there was nothing that ryan thought will be a deterrence.. but ryan was so darn wrong..!! when did ryan ever did anything so darn wrong to you?? is ryan missing something?? ryan dunno the damn answer to that cos.. well.. none was given.. but if this is the BEST way for us to be together den so be it.. if that's what it takes for you to be happy den so be it.. cos frankly.. ryan dunno what to do or say anymore.. the more ryan thinks about it.. the more painful it gets.. just when ryan wants to let it go.. you had to come back.. just when ryan wanna let it go and open another chapter in ryan's life.. you had to come back and reopen that last chapter as it it has been written halfway..

you're killing me softly with your actions..
this i promise you..
youllbemissedbutneverbeforgotten...
<333s!!

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well.. it was a fun night on the 22nd, friday.. ryan didnt go clubbing.. instead went to bbq.. before that.. in the morning there was school as usual.. communications skills.. kinda fun but left the lesson at 3.15 after ryan's team's presentation cos had to reach work by 6.. reached home and took the stuff for work and left.. reached work at 6.30?!??! how like that?!?! haiyo.. still late.. worked til 10.. den called sebas to meet to go for the bbq.. reached there and there was andy, kenneth, jeremy, shu hui, lionel, calli, moon, ken and few more people. haha..

reached east coast at 11.30.. half an hour to do ryan's school assignments.. went to east coast mac to tap the wireless there.. andy and sebas pei-ed ryan there.. thanks for the company guys..!! well.. andy asked ryan about schoolwork and then ryan got scolding from andy.. cos of the failing of the 2 module.. sorry andy.. ryan will study hard ba.. okay? hahha(: well.. spoke to rachel online awhile.. before going back to the bbq.. walked there back also... haha.. kpkb lor.. andy there sing and sing.. den sebas.. erm.. say something to him... haha.. den andy kp den walked off.. haha.. dont want to help take ryan's drink.. hmph.. hahh. bleah.. reached back at the bbq pit there.. sebas started eating while they sit and talk cock first.. den kenneth started the fire den ryan cooked some stuff SUPPOSEDLY for ryan to eat de but nevermind la.. let them eat first.. haha.. den after some time andy say he leaving le cos his sister needed to go home.. hahaa.. spoiler sia..

after that we all sat and talk and playing some games.. haha.. shu hui was running like crazy lor..!! haha.. say "i, you or me" again lor.. hahah.. funny.. den they played tai ti.. during that time ryan cant take it ler.. been awake from 7am so ryan went to sleep at a stone bench nearby.. that was like at 5.. guess what happened..? they thought ryan went to mac to sleep so they packed up at 6 and went there to find ryan!! hahaa.. what the hell..!?!? sebas then came back to find ryan lor.. hahaa..

den everyone went their separate ways home.. ryan, sebas, lionel, calli took the bus from... dunno where la hor.. haha.. too tired to think.. took to toa payoh den take mrt to yishun den bus-ed home... reached home at about 8?? ya.. slept at 9 and woke up at 11.30 for work!!! slept only 2 hours lor.. shitty!! reached workplace at 1.30.. worked til 10.30.. tired leh.. wah lao.. today was quite on and off the crowd cos of the national day rehearsal.. dammit!! sebas asked to come clubbing but rejected cos too tired lah.. haiyo.. later club den drink sure drunk de... dont want lah.. sorry.. first time leh reject people jio ryan go clubbing.. hahaha.. guai ma:) bleah..! well.. working at 2 tomorrow.. dammit.. gotta go catch some sleep liao... takkire ya?? nitez!!

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woke up today at 7.30 to send sister to school.. damn troublesome.. bleah.. den went back home to sleep.. didnt go school today cos was too damn tired.. slept at 4 plus yesterday.. mom kpkb today about not going school.. dammit lor.. its just a day of sleeping kp so much.. well.. ryan has officially missed 2 UT for a single module and skipped class 3 times for another module.. ryan is so going to fail this semester la.. dammit.. hate it when this kind of things happened.. so.. the changing of course is no longer a viable option for ryan.. too bad den.. gotta live with it..

so.. ryan woke up at 1.30.. ya.. received sms and it was damn shocking.. didnt expect for the reply to be that way.. really apologize to the parties involved.. hope to clear the misunderstanding in the nest few days.. what happenned?? wont elaborate on it.. yupe..

slacked at home today.. watched some dvds.. freedom writers.. its damn meaningful lah that show.. haha.. didnt do much today.. wanted to go for that modeling scam thingy.. but was too lazy to go plus going down to plaza singapura alone is so damn boring lor.. and the matters at home is already alot to consider going out today.. phew..

tmr ryan has a long day.. school in the morning plus working in the evening plus at night may be going somewhere besides clubbing.. if too tired den ryan wont club ba.. cos working on saturday at 2pm.. its a shitty weekend la.. working sat and sunday at 2.. there goes my weekend.. burnt like that.. dammit!! well.. applying at spenelli at hereen.. dunno can get anot.. at least get to work with andy LKY.. ya.. haha.. ex-boss.. great la.. at least got friend.. not like now.. no friend de.. sian.. haiz..

well.. to end off this post.. something to ponder about..
People leap and hope to god they can fly
Because otherwise we just drop like a rock
Wondering the whole way down
Why in the hell did I jump?
But here I am, fallen
And there’s only one person
who makes me feel that I can fly, and that’s you

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today's module is damn boring lor.. it was lee ah ping's module.. ryan reached class at 9.05 den they were already planning to leave the class.. lee ah ping was like so damn du lan lor.. but he cant do anything.. so at 1st breakout we left the class.. there was only about 10 of us who left.. we were discussing where to go.. we plan everything finish at about 11.45.. some went to imm.. others went town.. reached town at 2.. chatted at spenelli's with some friends den they had to leave.. went to kfc to have lunch + dinner..

imran was like so emo lor today.. haha.. dont ask why.. met darren at cine at about 5? ya.. he was waiting for shu hui.. found out from ming yang that she was working today.. so basically.. darren tio pang seh lor.. haha. we hanged out at cine with ming yang, jake, benji and CY.. den the sick calli arrived.. found out that benji blogged about ryan over the net.. oh shit lor.. ryan is like so dead now.. haha..

den we went over to hereen to have some drinks at spenelli again.. bleah.. sian.. ben chor was there.. den few of them left for dinner.. and the rest of us walk around hereen.. met ron and monster and a gerl.. hah.. dunno who.. sorry.. went for dinner at basement.. den went to play lan at cine L9.. haaha.. outside cine there was a big group of the clique there lor.. den kenneth lim, jeremy diva and andy lim arrived.. den we went up.. lan-ed for 2 hours til 11.15 den we slacked outside cine til like 12.45.. ya.. left town at 1 to eat supper with sebas, hika, cy, imran and darren.. what the fcuk?!?!

had supper til 3 den we left.. reached home at 3.20.. shit lor.. need to send sister to school by 7.30.. den go school for UT test.. communication skills.. den normal lesson.. cognitive module.. dunno wanna go anot.. haiz.. if not after UT go home and sleep.. tired leh..

well.. seeing people happy makes well.. other people happy and assured.. though not with you.. and that is how ryan is feeling.. cos ryan is really not in the league.. period.. cos if you really love that person.. you will want that person to be happy always.. it would be great if things could work out.. but there is simply no way of it being that way seeing what is in due course right now.. though it is hard to let go of that feeling.. there are times that we need to.. and ryan feels that the time is now.. perhaps it was wishful thinking on ryan's part.. or perhaps that ryan took everything too seriously.. well.. that was an honest mistake.. but what wasnt a mistake was the ups and downs that ryan felt throughout the whole journey.. thanks for the memories even though it werent so great..

thosememorieswillneverbereplaced..

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yesterday was just another day slacking in town.. ryan went for the bursary interview at daddy's workplace.. reached there about 11am.. the interview was like 10 minutes lor.. den finished liao.. what the fcuk?!?! what todo for the next few hours?? haha.. went down to boat quay to discuss some matters with boss.. hanged around there until about 3 den went down to town.. reached town when CY called and asked to meet at spenelli's.. come to think of it.. ryan wanna work there.. hahh.. not bad mah.. pay hai hao ba.. plus in town some more.. haha..easier to go club like that.. haha..

after that we went to paragon to find someone.. but he wasnt there. so we went down to taka.. went to grab adobe photoshop book from there den we waited for imran at taxi stand.. he reached and we went to find a place to eat.. KFC. hahh... den we saw someone familiar.. ANDY LIM!! haha.. shocked to see him there.. haha. having lunch also.. had lunch together with him den he had to go do some stuff.. we were outside taka when we saw an accident!! ya.. a motorbike hit a small kid 's hand or the shopping that he was carrying..den the kid cried.. so poor thing.. and as all the other TYPICAL KIASU SINGAPOREANS all only crowded around but none helped.. kiasu-ism is like so damn over-rated lor.. den andy left to do his things and ryan went to meet imran at cine L9.. ya.. played some games up there til like 10?? ya.. den ryan left while imran, darren, hika and a few others went to watch fantastic 4..

today was a damn stressful day.. first up.. ryan forgot that got UT today.. wtf?!?! but just do lor.. finished in like 20 mins.. after that.. lesson as per normal.. sian lor.. basic science.. haiz.. damn hard lor.. about some blood thingy again.. haiz.. plus ryan took some medicine and had drowsiness and slept in class.. haiz.. so it was like no use lor.. maybe today get C for the module.. haiz.. today had lunch with yutaki. haha.. funny lor he.. haha.. yutaki also went off with ryan.. he took 969 with ryan but ryan dropped off at yishun.. he went to tampines..

tomorrow is maths and heard that it will be about VB again.. sian lor.. haiz.. maybe skip halfway ba.. den go somewhere.. town or somewhere..

oh ya.. plus tomorrow is another day at work.. today never go work..say got school event.. haiz.. damn tired lor.. maybe tomorrow go take MC.. ryan is like so going to fall sick lor.. dammit.. got cough plus sore throat.. what the fcuk lor..haiz..

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well.. been going though a few people's blog.. found out alot of things.. love is usually a one sided affair.. in every situation.. be it in a straight or a 'not-so-straight' relationship.. its always a one-sided thing.. and the mystery question is.. is it good or bad..??

does it take a person to suffer in order for the other to be happy?? does it take one bad incident to make a person find out that the other actually loves him.. but its already too late to saviour it??it it really worth waiting for this people..?? if love is supposed to be between 2 people.. what the hell is this person doing since the other is not reciprocating it?? is that called 'blinded by love'...?? but at the end of the day both parties are suffering and no one is winning.. is THAT love..??

ryan has a friend who has been waiting for this person for more than a year.. and that idiot doesnt even notice.. is that particular person worth waiting for?? people wait for someone in order to 'prove' his/her love.. but is it WORTH it?? some say yes.. others say no.. well.. isnt that person waiting for the other wasting his/her time and would rather be going for another person instead of going for this particular idiot when he doesnt even give a damn thing about you..?? what ryan means is that.. if that idiot cares.. wouldnt he even have a clue or take notice after awhile?? but having to wait for a year plus is awfully long right??

well.. on a personal note.. its called 'blinded-by-love' for a reason.. and that reason is.. well.. as said.. love blind.. that person is willing to do anything for that idiot who doesnt even appreciate it or give a freaking shit for you.. like the saying goes.. "to the world, you're just a person.. but to a person, you may be the world".. and ryan is typing this.. a friend is crying due to a misunderstanding with a boyfriend.. another is finding lost love.. and another is still waiting for the other party to reciprocate his love.. well.. to all those peeps.. we're all in the same boat.. and here's a song for us..



Funny when you stop and think,
Time goes faster than you blink,
Nothing’s ever like it was,
Girl we’ve got a special thing,
Your the happiness it brings,
Is more than enough,
I know it’s hard to believe,
Your still the biggest part of me,
All I’m living for,

Chorus
I still think about you,
I still dream about you,
I still want you and need you by my side,
I’m still mad about you,
All I ever wanted was you,
Your still the one, your still the one,

It’s hard to breathe when we’re apart,
You’re that sunshine in my heart,
I keep you here inside,
You’ve been everything to me,
You’ve been and always will be,
The apple of my eye,
And I know it’s hard to believe,
Your still the biggest part of me,
All I’m living for,

Chorus
I still think about you,
I still dream about you,
I still want you and need you by my side,
I’m still mad about you,
All I ever wanted was you,
Your still the one, your still the one,

If you love me, look into my eyes and say you do,
I’ve been waiting all my life for someone just like you,
Baby after all we’ve been through,
Girl I’m still in love with you,
And I want you to know, I do, I do,

Chorus
Still think about you,
Still dream about you,
Still want you and need you by my side,
I’m still mad about you,
All I ever wanted was you,
Your still the one,
Your still the one.

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this 2 days have been really eventful.. full of ups and downs..

was clubbing yesterday cos it was jeremy diva's birthday celebration.. before that went to town SUPPOSEDLY to go around shopping for some stuff but msg-ed imran.. he was supposed to meet SOME PEOPLE at 3pm but they made him wait for them.. haha.. so ryan being the good person.. pei-ed imran til they came.. and the latest one reached only at like 6 plus.. hah.. imran was like.. damn du lan lor.. haha.. den everyone met up to go to the club together.. and it goddammed rain!! what the fcuk?!?! ryan, andy, jeremy, kenneth, shu hui, sebas went to take the bus as we had 3 umbrellas.. each take 2 person lor..and we were freaking drenched lor.. everyone was wet below the knees.. and andy was complaining about the wetness.. haha..

reached the club and had supper at the nearby hawker centre.. haha.. before ryan and sebas had supper.. we went in to get the chop first... and get this.. there was mis-communication and some of them couldnt get in cos they had passed the timing for free entry.. which is supposedly to be before 12.. buy on friday it was at 11pm.. we were like shocked.. but as we had very good relationship with the bouncers.. they were allowed to get in for free..!! hah.. good use of contacts there.. hah.. and inside.. it was damn packed lor.. everyone was like squeezing through.. full house lor.. sian.. den we had the birthday celebration.. singing of the birthday song and cutting of the cake.. haha.. it was the climax of the night.. here's a pic of ryan and the birthday boy, jeremy diva!!


after that.. everything went haywire.. haha.. for starters.. ryan was pushed by benji and bryan onto the stage to dance. what the fcuk lor.. for the last time.. ryan cant dance.. damn paiseh lor.. plus.. someone was there.. what the fcuk.. hhaha.. but it was kinda fun after the songs get back to normal playlist.. but heard some commotion and decided to check it out.. and it wasnt great lor.. haha.. but still.. after the night at the club.. we sang our hearts out at the hawker centre where we stayed til like.. 6.15am.. haha.. slept at 8 and woke up at 3pm..

went out to watch fantastic 4 with andy, jeremy diva, kenneth and sebas.. reached there at 6.30?? ya.. watched the 7pm movie.. we managed to squeeze dinner in between.. haha.. got seated zhun zhun at 7.. phew.. movie was mot bad lor.. the graphics was great.. especially the human torch.. haha.. the greatest part is the last part where... haha.. watch it yourself!! ryan wont give a clue.. bleah.. but it was fun lah.. looking forward to the next movie with the gang.. took some pics in front of the istana while walking down to cine to meet some more people.. haiz.. cine again..?!?! hah.. but had a game of pool there for like an hour before we left for home at 11.. took the train back reached yishun at 11.45.. had supper with sebas and reached home at 12.30.. ya...

tomorrow is the bursary interview... at tanjong pagar at 11am.. so damn early.. dunno what to do after that.. maybe drop by workplace to have coffee with boss perhaps.. discuss some work matters.. haiz.. den meeet andy yim at raffles place and go to town together... another day at cine again.. haiz.. sian.. hah.. but at least there's company.. better than sitting at home.. well.. takkire ya.. nitez..

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ryan wss drunk yesterday.. yupe.. you guys heard it right..!! went to club at the usual spot.. went in with imran and hikaru.. bu before that.. got a call from CA and it was VERY disturbing.. how did it end up this way?? how did it happened? haiz.. and it not the first time.. ts the second time!! haiz.. it was very disturbing and couldnt get it over with even when inside the club.. haiz.. guess that triggered abit of the "wanting to get high" part..

was also sms-ing a few people at the same time while in the club.. sms-ed someone half way and got another news that was not that pleasant to ryan.. haiz.. guess there's no hope.. since he's back.. there's no use.. ryan will just stupidly wait for the moment..waiting for the moment that will never come.. guess that thought also triggered ryan to have an un-sober night..

well.. what did ryan had?? ryan had champagne offered by someone plus had "sex on the beach" haha.. sorry imran for the wrong word used.. lols.. plus had alot of alcohol mixed together..imran said it was a concoction to get drunk lah.. so ryan did.. hmm.. and the worse part.. ryan was still dancing when drunk so it should be pretty bad.. hah.. cos ryan suck at dancing..

tyan didnt regret getting drunk at the same time.. ryan also didnt wanna get drunk.. so.. it wasnt a good situation to be in lah.. hmm.. meeting imran later for movie (fantastic 4:silver surfer) plus more clubbing!! haha.. praying hard that ryan wont get drunk again today.. haaha.. til then.. takkire..!!

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today was at town from 1.. went to an interview.. hope to be able to get the job.. hmm.. sms-ed imran if he's going town.. he say no cos he working.. but den hor.. saw him in town!! haha.. went to cine basement and saw him there.. hah.. went to burger king for brunch(breakfast+lunch).. den went up to L9.. online for about 2 hrs..? ya.. helped imran with his blogging stuff.. heard that darren is sick.. takkire hor.. et well soon.. well.. finished around 5.30.. den went to splenelli's at hereen.. met up with benji and CY.. there was also aly and some of her friends.. had caramel latte there.. sit there til about 6.15? ya.. den went to walk around at hereen cos imran wanted to buy some gifts.. saw a few ex-wodgrovers there.. ron, willy and ben ho.. ya.. but didnt talk.. den imran had to leave for work..

by that time ryan wasnt feeling so well.. had migraine and abit of fever liao... went to cine again to meet up with calli and some more people.. lionel!! you are more tanned than ryan!! haha.. he is darker than ryan lor.. haha.. cos he went sentosa with shu hui.. lols.. there was also a bunch of them.. after that we went up to L9 cos they wanted to play dota.. haha.. as usual.. sian liao.. the played but ryan listen to songs on iPod.. haha.. after that saw andy lim there.. win liao lo.. say tired den not coming town.. hah.. but he was there la.. after the game we went out for smoke and ryan left.. they went clubbing lor.. but ryan have school tomorrow so didnt go.. see.. so guai.. haha(: got that stupid frontpage course.. haiz.. at least can get CE points lor.. haha..

well.. was kinda glad and happy that someone actually realised something(: ended the day with a smile and on a high note.. haha.. thanks.. well.. tomorrow is school til about 5 den go home.. at night is clubbing!! hah.. yahoo!! at last.. the weekend is here.. but just scared that ryan may fall sick tomorrow.. plus saturday is jeremy's birthday!! haha.. well.. sleeping early tonight.. school.. sian lor. haha.. takkire!!

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Just So You Know By Jessie McCartney

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

[Chorus]
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yupe.. ryan went emo this morning.. had a very bad dream last night.. wont talk about it.. only that the dream made ryan emo this morning.. well.. the song above reflects ryan's current situation.. there were times when things were on an all time low and.. just when ryan wanna just give up on you.. you just kept coming back.. is that a sign for ryan to wait..? or was it a sign that someone's playing with ryan..? in the past.. ryan waited for a sign.. and it never came.. so ryan wanted to give up.. but now.. ryan is more lost than ever.. dont wanna create a misunderstanding but it is unavoidable.. wish that... haiz.. it will never happen.. dont need to think..

but JUST SO YOU KNOW.. "I'm waiting here...been waiting here".. and still waiting here..

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to the idiot ass who's been sms-ing me since 10pm.. get a life you idiotic fcuker!! you think that i care if you were to see my blog or not..?! i have all the reason why i should post my anger towards you.. i dont freaking give a shit if you say that its a defamatory remark! you'll be happier right that way?! stop denying the fact that we can no longer be like the past.. some wounds just cannot be healed.. some problems can never be solved.. this is not the first but it is the last strand of nonsense that i've taken.. there's just no way.. and i'm being good by not putting up your name.. cos i know that there are a few people who you and i know who view my blog.. i dont want to leave a grudge by putting up your name.. i just wanna make you realise what you've done..

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finally!! no work for the next 5 days!! YAHOO!! haha.. well.. ryan have been working really hard for the past week and ryan really deserves time off for the next 5 days.. haha.. ya right.. big pile of bullshit..!! well lazy to work lah. haha.. tired leh..!! haha..

nothing much happened today.. just half an hour late for work today.. haha.. cant blame.. traffic was bad.. it took like.. 1.5 hrs to get to work?!?! dammit.. will NEVER work in the morning today.. the traffic was so damn bad..

well.. ryan's colleague, itah, will be going back to Indonesia on monday.. she's done with her training programme so she's going back.. takkire ya?? other than that.. nothing much.. weekend is the usual.. clubbing!! plus jeremy diva's birthday!! well.. your pressie.. hmm.. that.. ryan wont say much.. haha..

reached home and slacked.. had a haircut.. not much of a cut.. just did some thinning.. thanks WL bro!! haha.. though its expensive at your place(it was $40).. just supporting the work that you're doing ya?? have fun doing what you love to do!!!

turning in early perhaps.. takkire ya..!

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ryan just wanna say this..
I FREAKING HATE YOU NOW!!! NOT BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE BUT HOW YOU'VE BEEN TREATING ME!! WAS THAT EVEN NECESSARY?!?! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO UP THERE?? FCUK OFF YOU MOTHERFCUKER!! YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY MADE ME DONT GIVE A FREAKING SHIT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE!! FCUK OFF AND DONT LOOK FOR ME FOR HELP!! YOU FREAKING ASK YOUR BUDDIES COS THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE FOR RITE?? I'M JUST SOMEONE WHO FULFILLS YOUR NEED TIL YOUR BUDDIES ARRIVE!! I DONT GIVE A RAT'S ASS IF YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS!! GET THIS INTO THAT FREAKING THICK SKULL OF YOURS: I'M NEVER GONNA CARE FOR YOU ANYMORE..!! NO MORE!!

eherm!! phew.. that was a tough one.. okay.. on a lighter note.. today was a damn ass fast day for ryan.. reached workplace at 2.30 only to be sent for last minute attachment at another place.. what the freaking hell?!?! lucky taxi fare sponsored.. haha.. today time passed by very quick cos was doing production ic.. worked very short also.. haha.. from 3 to 8.. haha.. den went back home..

hmm. chatted with CA.. she also wanted to go sentosa.. but no one wanna go.. haha.. too bad lor.. lols.. payday is next week!! freaking shit.. i'm broke!! and i need my pay!! haha.. dunno can get how much.. dont mind if its like $180.. pay off some debt den go shopping!! hahha... before that got to treat jerlin and kailin..!! haha.. pizza hut ba.. for missing jerlin's birthday and celebrating kailin birthday also.. haha.. just in case ryan cant go for the bbq.. haaha..

tmr is last day of work!! for the week that is.. haha.. den after that 5 days of off day!! haha. enjoying the weekend and also going clubbing!! jeremy's birthday this saturday!! hair pee bird day in advance!! just in case ryan missed the day.. hhaha.. okay.. gonna go off... takkire ya!!

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as the heading states.. ryan is going to start anew.. well.. there is going to be a big shake up in ryan's life from today onwards.. its not worth the time, effort and money to treasure someone who doesnt appreciate you right?? ryan would rather spend those precious little time, money and effort on shopping den be with those little bastards and bitches!! moreover.. quality time alone for ryan has lessened alot since work got in the way..

hmm.. for the past few days.. ryan has seen and heard alot of news regarding a few of ryan's friends.. and the way which they react to the situation made ryan think and realise that those people that ryan once recognise as 'friends and brothers' are actually not really one.. even those 'gans' who you refer to as god -brother/ -sister may not be who they are.. thus.. ryan has made up ryan's mind.. its damn tiring to be juggling all this problems on top of work and family and social life and also night life.. therefore.. heck care-ing some people now will be a great idea..!! since they take ryan for granted..

well.. there's one area of ryan's problem taken care of.. haha..:) now on to the more important news.. WORLD AFFAIRS?!?! bleah.. hah.. well.. none of that.. been working alot lately though been taking 'fake' time off to spend time with friends.. hey.. no one can sacrifice 5 days a week on work after leaving the workforce for 2 straight years right?? haha.. been so used to own-time-own-target work since that cafe and now its that ryan need to follow a freaking schedule.. fcuk that man.. haha.. ryan's time now is so precious and its going to be spent with a little bit more quality.. hah..

just like yesterday night.. met up with imran, darren and hikaru at mcd northpoint at 11pm for supper.. haha.. and that was like after straight after the bbq.. ya.. there was a bbq outing at the workplace and it was kinda fun. hahha.. so.. didnt had anything much for supper.. we all reached at about 11.15.. ryan was shocked to see imran on a bike.. hah.. oops.. went to the coffeeshop behind northpoint to eat den we went to mcd back to hang out.. crapping and playing around.. we also took pictures!! but its all in imran's phone.. well.. will take it from him maybe tomorrow.. haha.. we were like damn cam-whore-ers.. haha.. esp darren.. oops!! haha.. lols.. we chatted and play until about 4 den we left for home.. ryan reached home but didnt sleep so early.. slept around 6?? ya.. haha..

that made ryan wake up at 10 plus.. and ryan was supposed to work at like 12?? wow.. reached work at 12.40.. started at 12.45.. 45 mins late..!! argh!! and that's not the worst.. cash handling today was bad..!! there goes ryan's promotion!! down the drain.. haiz.. maybe next time ya..?? hmm.. left work at 9 and reached home at about 11.. ya.. in the words of andy lim.. "damn tired leh..!!" haha..

been sms-ing kailin this few days to help her out on some issues including her bbq for her birthday.. haha. kailin.. no need to scared lah.. what will happen will happen girl!! just take it in your stride.. and your bbq thing.. i'll help wherever i can aites girl?? haha:)

well.. its getting late.. gonna sleep soon.. takkire ya?? nitez..

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well.. today was quite fun la.. went out with imran.. haha.. met at 2.30 at his void deck.. he stays near ryan's place.. den we went to northpoint since he wants to eat first.. haha.. sat there until about 3.30 den train-ed to town straight.. tired leh.. cos slept only at 6 den woke up at 11.. had like 5 hours of sleep..

reached town at about 4.30.. decided to go spelenni's at hereen.. had caramel latte.. hah.. thanks imran for the drink(: imran was like.. haha.. "eh.. you damn busy huh?" cant blame mah.. ryan is a busy man.. haha.. was msg-ing kailin ever since like 3... she was damn bored plus we continued yesterday's conversation.. haha.. den had to pang seh her.. cos had to attend to something important..

done with that den we went over to cineleisure L9.. imran had booked a room there.. he wanted to play warcraft.. so ryan watched charmed on x-box.. hhaha.. watched until 8?? ya.. around there lo.. den we went to youth park at scape.. haha.. cos darren was performing!! hhaha.. he was great la.. the crowd loved him.. especially the japanese girls in front.. they were like screaming all the way.. haha.. got fans wor.!! if ryan can take the video from imran den ryan will post it up there alrights?? hah..

after the performance at about 10 we were like damn hungry so we went down to cineleisure back for dinner..!! haha.. hungry leh.. ryan had chicken chop.. haha.. we were di siao-ing the uncle there.. bad sia us.. haha.. but it was funny la.. went up for smoke den we left for L9 again!! haha.. lan gamed there awhile.. tried playing dota.. hahh.. quite fun la.. but halfway play timeout liao lo.. sianz.. haha.. that was about 1.30.. den they wanna go eat supper at burger king.. ryan only had drinks cos was still full.. haha.. den about 2.30 we cabbed home..

tmr is workplace outing.. pasir ris bbq.. hmm.. ryan go and check it out.. cos still thinking about wanna go anot.. but since its a sunday jiu just go lor.. den after that maybe go town find the rest of the gang.. hah..

well.. turning in le. takkire ya??

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went into overdrive yesterday.. so damn tiring.. was awake from 7.30 cos actually wanted to get the adobe photoshop cs2 book again for andy from school.. but was too tired.. slept at 4 plus and woke up at 7.30.. tired le.. by the time everything prepared le already 9.. haha.. ya.. ryan take a long time to prepare.. den supposed to reach workplace by 12.. so didnt go to school.. sorry andy.. ryan later buy the book for you la.. easier..

hmm.. work was okay la.. hai hao.. very tiring.. havent spoken to boss yet.. die la.. tmr must go meet boss liao.. haha.. outing..!! today give excuse to workplace say that got things on in school.. haiz.. tired le.. slept at 6 this morning and woke up at 12.. cant sleep.. too much on ryan's mind.. yesterday was so unexpected..

finished work at 8 called DA JIE.. hah.. rushed home.. reached at 10.. shower and change jiu come out.. reached town at 10.40.. chiong-ed cab down to cine.. met DA JIE and the whole group.... ryan thought late le.. wah.. den still go arcade.. left for the club only at 12.. haha.. waste money sia.. 16 bucks burn like that.. hahh..

DA JIE stop disturbing ryan about it can mah?? cant and wont happen de.. you saw yourself what happened yesterday.. still can meh..?? we barely spoke.. its NOT gonna happen.. ryan gotta face the facts and reality la.. like what ryan said over msn.. we are 2 different people living 2 very different lives in 2 very different ways.. so.. ya.. forget it.. and also SORRY bout the shut up thingy wor DA JIE.. was fatigued.. so ya.. system shut down and cant take anymore crap.. left the club for supper at the usual place.. wanted to leave for city hall le but imran offered a ride.. so sweet.. hah.. thanks for the ride..!!

spoke to kailin awhile.. its all a matter of commitment la okay..?? we'll chat again.. and this time RYAN'S HP BATT WONT FLAT..!! hahah.. sorry la.. forgot to charge so die halfway..

hmm.. today ryan's friend is performing at outside cine.. the singapore street fest thingy.. ya. going down to support!! haha.. see ya there..

things will never be the same again.. wished it wasnt let out and we'll be like last time.. its so damn tiring to do this..

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well. ryan was talking too jeremy few 2 nights ago over msn.. thanks for the listening ear and company ya? we had a great conversation.. talk about things that ryan dont normally say out.. but that night.. dunno what came to ryan.. haha.. we talked until 4.30++.. ya.. den ryan turned in.. hey.. good luck in your results ya??

well.. yesterday was ryan's off day..from school ryan went home.. had a great conversation with kailin.. haha.. dont worry.. everything's safe.. haha.. wont let it out ya? hmm.. the date is still on yupe?? haha.. well that's for another day..lols.. slacked at home.. envy those who went out.. lol.. esp those who sent SENTODSA!! haha.. been quite a while since ryan went there.. wanna go there watch the sunset again!! hhaha.. it was beautiful la.. the last time watch the sunset there was with lewis heng.. haha.. crazy incident.. end up cam-whoring instead.. haha.. post one if the pics up here..

ryan shawn lewis - homies for life!!

well.. reminiscing.. those days were the best of times.. everyone was having a great time.. there was.. ryan, zhawn, lewis, chunleong, chris, CA, jerlin, kelly, catt.. DA CLIQUE!!! it was a really great day then.. and few of us got sunburned.. haaha.. except ryan and shawnie bro.. hahaha... those days will be one of the memories that will stick to ryan till the day ryan die.. hah...

thinking about the past that we spent together.. it was pure love.. strolling down orchard road on our evenings and nights.. catching late night movies and hanging out with our friends.. it was fun and enjoyable.. though it was a simple yet sophisticated love.. those nights that we spent hugging away or just sitting around town simply cos we wanted each other's company.. running across town just cos you wanna say hi to your friend who's across town.. hha.. and the endless conversations we had late at night.. it was something that ryan could only dream of.. but on that night when we called it off.. the whole fairytale fell and came to an end.. those memories will stay on and be cerished.. cos ryan knows that it will NEVER happen again.. cos the nest morning.. ryan woke up without you by ryan's side.. haiz..

emoing again early in the morning.. maybe cos eveyone's in love this month.. but is ryan?? food fo thought... takkire..!!

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it feel so great to start working again!! haha.. temporary work to earn some money.. it's just great lo.. have been working for a total of 15 hrs for the past 2 days.. wah.. damn shiong.. but it really takes ryan's mind off some things.. made a few friends.. wont elaborate much on the job.. only thing is that ryan really want that manager post!! haaha.. very long liao le boss.. haha..

well.. as ryan had said.. work has gotten ryan's mind off things.. it feels great.. for once ryan had a day of peace.. but also felt worried.. haiz.. had a great four hours of conversation with jeremy.. haha.. there was times that we joked and bitched.. there were time when we laughed.. and there were time when we suddenly went emo.. haiz.. sudden breakdown?? we're 2 very different people.. facing 2 different problem.. but being emo at the same time.. lols.. as the both of us had said.. life is just so messed up!!

woke up this morning to ryan's dad blabbering.. haiz.. the usual get-a-job talk.. haiyo.. ryan slept at 5am le.. den at 7 you come here kpkb?!?! wah.. si beh du lan.. went to school to return some stuff.. no plans for today.. just sit and see what life has to offer.. sentosa's really off?? haiz.. sian lo.. andy, jeremy and lester should now be enjoying themselves at sentosa...!!! argh!! Cherrie Ann!! next saturday go?? haha.. dont care la.. no one go jiu 2 of us go.. haha..

well.. takkire.. blog in later ya??

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ryan was awake even before the alarm rang.. way before.. alarm is supposed to ring at 11 but at 8.30 ryan is already awake.. what's this post's for??

well. you know those times when you just gotta let it out?? when something's bothering you and you're just freaking mad at dunno-who-or-what..?? ya.. that's how ryan is feeling.. AT 8.30 in the morning!! well.. not mad but more of having alot of things cooped up inside.. ryan was awaken with the usual sudden thoughts..thoughts of??

okay.. ryan cant take it anymore.. its like.. ryan wanna like stop everything.. ryan thought it'll be great but it sort of took a turn for the worst.. everyone's been avoiding ryan since ryan saw someone at lau pa sat the other night.. yeah.. we chatted.. and overnight.. kaboom!! everything changed.. its too sudden and its damn hard for ryan to take it.. being in transition is never easy.. cos many decisions need to be made..and its getting freaking tiring to think about this for the past 1 week!! was there ever once that ryan didnt think about it..??? well if ryan could be awaken so early in the morning with this freaking thought.. anything can happen..!! is the conscious THAT powerful?? feeling bad and all.. its like.. okay.. if conscious takes over and ryan feels guilty.. should ryan leave the world and get back to the right path?? well.. this goes to another question.. isnt THIS the right path?? being with our kind..

the pursuit of happyness... if you've watched the show.. its about someone's..uh.. pursuit of happyness.. so to quote the show.. "is happyness something that we can only pursuit but can never achieve??" is this quote true? happyness is something that we can ONLY pursuit but can never achieve..?? so in life we are always pursuing happyness but we can never live in happyness..?? well.. in ryan's pursuit of happyness.. it is defined as making the ryan's loved ones.. well.. happy.. cos seeing them happy and cheerful and carefree simply makes ryan happy.. so does this mean that ryan will never be achieve happyness?? since they say that you cant make everyone happy.. its just freaking hard to live now.. ryan's life is so messed up.. now do you understand why ryan club?? only then can ryan.. for that short period of time.. achieve happyness.. cos after that.. when the thought lingers.. it goes back to the same topic.. and its wonderful to think how ryan can actually maintain the composure ever so calmly.. maybe its because of the upbringing that ryan had gone through..

it just sucks so bad now.. there's two groups of people that are in ryan's life right now.. one group can be defined as the non-conformist.. the "ryan's kind" like what ryan said before and the second group can be defined as the majority.. and well.. being with the majority is great as those are the friends that ryan are really good with and where ryan's best bros and buddies are.. they went through with ryan the best of times and the worst of times.. but in reality.. ryan should be with the non-conformist since they were the people ryan was trying to reach out to for the past like.. 3 years.. but how come that now that ryan has found them.. after 3 years.. it is so hard to change..?? is adaptation that hard??

well..is going to the extend to forsaking your pursuit of happyness for somebody else's worth it..?? dont give ryan that dumb look.. you know what ryan's talking about.. is it worth it.. but which happyness should be give priority..?? things are so messed up right now!! and ryan freaking hate it!!! ARGH!!!!!!!

seeing the smiles on the faces of ryan's loved ones makes ryan's day but ryan knows that the pursuit of happyness is not that easy.. and until the pursuit if happyness changes to the achievement of happyness.. ryan will still be lostintransitionandnoonetoturnto..

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time to blog again... lets see..

was smsing CA today.. hmm.. looks like sentosa's off ya..?? how come no one wanna go?? well.. nevermind lor.. we see ba.. your hols is 1 month le.. ryan's is only 2 weeks.. there's still next week lor.. cheer up okays?? and about your mei.. let nature take its course.. dont rush things.. people change with time.. and you need to follow the time/trend.. so since she's very precious den try to change and adapt.. ryan know that its hard and very uneasy.. but you have to.. if you dont wanna lose her.. alrights??

neways.. today woke up at 10 today.. damn sian.. left to meet some people at causeway point before going to compass point.. reached compass point at about 1.15?? ya.. kinda early cos supposed to meet andy at 2 there.. had a cuppa latte at starbucks..!! haha.. was yearning for that since like 2 weeks already le.. cant live without it!! haha.. sat there reading the papers.. very ah pek le.. lucky not at kopitiam drinking kopi-o.. if not really like ah pek.. damn unglam le... lols..

andy reached about ten past 2.. hai hao la.. last time meet him also like that.. haha.. abit is okay lor.. sometimes wait for SOME PEOPLE can until 1 hour lo.. dont want to name names la hor.. CORRECT SHAWNIE BRO?? haha.. talking about this idiot.. long time never talk to this fcuker..!! suddenly MIA lo.. dunno run until where.. people got other people den forget ryan la hor!! nevermind lor.. like that.. haha..

well.. back to the day.. andy reached there at 2 plus and ryan thought he was alone.. cos wanted to meet him to talk about some issues mah.. so ryan thought he came alone lo.. but den he say shu hui and jeremy diva was there also.. haha.. damn shocked lo.. didnt expect them to be there.. den we went up to the top floor there go eat lunch.. and guess what..? there were no food that ryan could eat except the western food there.. sian lor.. western food eat like dunno how many times liao lo.. but bo bian.. cant because of ryan den go back all the way down mah.. 4th floor le.. later kana throw down lo.. haha... so just sit there guai and eat.. haha... end up only andy and ryan eat.. andy had some soup thingy and ryan ate the chicken cutlet.. and it was damn not nice lor.. not appetising at all lo.. and to think that ryan paid like $4 for that?!?! what the fcuk sia..?!?!

after that went for a smoke break den went back to starbucks.. haaha.. and yesh.. ryan drank again.. but this time it was hot choco!! with whipped cream!!! haha.. and jeremy said that andy LOVED whipped cream.. haha.. too bad.. bleah..!! sat there and spoke about .. hmm.. dunno le.. haha.. alot of things lo.. especially from shu hui.. haha.. about this and that.. haha.. and also got promotion wor..!! free talktime 20 mins on andy lim's phone!! for a limited time only..!! haha.. joking wor!! well.. jeremy was joking about some stuff lo that made no sense at all.. hhaha.. haiyo.. make ryan paiseh nia.. lols.. but we left at about 5.30 cos andy wanted to go home sleep.. haha.. reached back home at like 6.45?? ya.. slowly go home lor.. so early for what.. nothing to do.. hmph.. reached home.. received news that tomorrow got job interview.. for the manager post that ryan applied for!! YUPPIE!!! haha.. at last.. but havent confirm lo.. still must undergo interview plus their OJE/ OJT.. haiz.. hope can lor.. haha.. den it'll be fun.. haha..

tmr will be very packed.. 11 need to wake up go school borrow book for andy.. he wants to borrow book about adobe photoshop cs2/3 from republic poly lor.. haiz.. so go get for him lor.. haiz.. den need to rush down to city hall for the interview by 3.30 latest.. means must leave school by 2.30.. got like 2 hrs to find the book at library.. haiz.. dunno can make it.. cos the library in school is like.. big lor.. haha.. wish ryan luck in finding it.. if not den... sian.. go all the way to woodlands but dont have.. wasted trip lor.. den if get the job den start immediately.. earliest finish at 8.. but latest is until.. 11pm lor.. sian.. but for the sake of money and shopping den.. should be okay lor.. haha.. plus bills all piling up ler.. need to work liao.. cant everytime lay around.. LAY WOR.. NOT LAYLAY!! haha.. just making it clear.. lols.. if not kana bitch.. haha..

well.. need to go sleep ler.. tmr busy day..

"this complicated guy has spoken to an "elder".. and he prays for the best.. but is still afraid.. afraid of regretful decisions.. found hope in someone.. but is it reciprocated..?? only time will tell.."

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yesterday was the worst clubbing night lor in ryan's history.. damn sian sia.. fcuking sian la.. ccb.. plus i was made to look like the guilty party.. dammit.. plus the unglam-ness of today made ryan damn pek cek sia.. motherfcuker!!

well.. yesterday wanted to go town to meet andy before going clubbing.. was in a not bad mood lor.. passed ryan's ez link to mummy cos ryan lazy to queue and renew the concession so had her to do it for ryan... den ryan remember.. had to use the ez link card to get entry.. was like damn shit lor.. jiu had to go to ang mo kio to take the ez link back from mom.. wah.. waste monney again?!?! and that was like 9 liao lo.. and needed to get free entry by 12.. took ezlink already like 9.30... den still havent eat dinner.. wah.. went down to the clubbing area straight away... didnt get to make it to go town.. dammit.. wanted to go de.. den like this.. wah.. reached lau pa sat at 10.30.. another 10 mins walk to the foodcourt we frequent.. reached there at about 10.45 le.. called andy to tell him ryan meet him there straight there... eat fast dinner den waited lor.. saw ben chor and jojo together at there.. 11.30 andy still havent reached.. smsed him and he say he's in the club ler.. what the fcuk lor.. but didnt say anything to him la when ryan went in.. saw the whole group there lor.. shuhui and kenneth lim and andy and wilson.. haiz.. den also quite sian lor.. cis still abit early.. went to the other clubs first to see see but also nothing much..

den pei shu hui cos she got abit high lor.. he was like quite high ler.. contacted andy to meet with us.. den she puked everything out.. andy was shocked cos got abit kana him i guess.. but he maintained composure.. haiz.. shuhui went toilet den say wanna go home ler.. wah.. den after this.. ryan felt damn bad lor. very guilty lor.. cos andy's wallet and keys all in shuhui's bag..!! AND THE WORST THING WAS THAT RYAN WALKED HER OUT AND EVEN SENT HER TO THE CAB!! wah.. den told andy and he was like shocked.. cos ryan dunno that his stuff with him lor.. plus kenneth's stuff also with her and without it he cant go off lor.. wah.. and to think that ryan didnt tell them that she left until ryan met andy when he re-entrying back into the club with weihao.. wah.. damn guilty lor.. dunno what to do.. den ryan no mood liao lo.. went to the 2nd club with andy and weihao but felt really guilty lo.. stand one side never do anything.. haiz.. was there about 1 hr until about 3 den left that place wanted to go to the coffeshop to eat den go home.. really no mood lor.. den saw kenneth, andy, ming yang, wei hao and another person there.. very akward lo the feeling walk towards them,, guilty plus akward lo.. though they reassured la.. but still felt guilty.. haiz.. had some drinks there den saw imran with derrick and wei jie.. went off with derrick at 5.. thanks for the ride ya?? haiz.. reached home at 5.30.. slept at 6...

today.. hmm.. forced to wake up at 12 prepare to go out.. went to an interview.. dad send de.. but at last the whole family went.. wanted to apply for post of manager but dunno can get anot.. haiz.. den went to chai chee.. but on the way there at kallang.. the van brokedown.. empty tank.. kns.. wah.. in the middle of the road plus DIRECTLY IN FRONT of kallang MRT station lor.. what the fcuk..!?!?had to push the car down to another road like 50metres away.. wah.. tired sia.. lucky got 2 policemen nearby helped to push together.. haha.. thanks alot.. den had to walk like another 500m to buy petrol.. and guess what..?? YOURS TRUELY HAD TO DO IT! yes!! you saw right!! ryan had to take that big bottle like can fill 20litres of water.. ya.. and walk to the nearest gas station.. 500m away!! that was so damn unglam!! freaking shit!! wah.. ryan was like cursing and swearing inside lor.. dammit.. why ryan?! haiz. did it lo.. den went back and filled it up.. haiz.. den dad had to do some repairs to the car which took another like 1 hr.. under the BLISTERING HOT SUN!!! ryan used up all the tissue in the car.. haiz.. the only fun thing was that ryan got to start the engine if the car and rev t up lo.. that's the ONLY fun thing today.. and that was like 20 mins?? so the other 23hours and 40 mins of the day is DAMN boring!! went to chai chee for 2 hrs den went to woodlands.. aunt's house.. dammit.. left there at 7.30 for home.. damn sian!! never go club tonight cos no money ler.. tmr dunno where to go.. hmm.. perhaps town lo.. meet them..

haiz.. friday ryan thought ryan had found someone.. a companion.. we clubbed as though we were a couple.. but ryan's hopes were dashed when you yesterday said that you had drank too much and may had done things that you weren't aware of.. you were a stranger yesterday though ryan said hi to you.. we were less than 10 steps away from each other the whole night.. we didnt talk nor did we see eye to eye.. it was as though friday didnt happened.. it was as though we didnt do it.. haiz.. perhapsitwasntmeanttobe..

ryan still dunno how to solve the problem on friends.. haiz.. is it really THAT diffcult?? is it REALLY true that we MUST lose some friends in order to gain some friends..?? ryan is afraid of that consequences.. haiz.. ryan needs time before coming out with the truth.. haiz...its very complicated lor.. ryan's life is in transition between truth and reality.. haiz.. the truth may not be real.. but reality is the truth.. without reality.. truth maybe fake.. ryan really dont wanna lose the friends that ryan had made for the past year.. they are those people who are very important and close to ryan.. but the new ones are in reality the people who are ryan's 'kind'.. being with ryan's 'kind' makes ryan feel at home.. but.. haiz.. which path now..?? to those close ones and forsake the reality of it..?? or forsake ryan's close friendship and brotherhood and go with ryan's 'kind'?? haiz.. ryan's lost.. really lost.. i need a 'guiding light'... but there's none.. there's no one to turn to and share this.. haiz.. only time will tell.. til then.. perhaps.. loneliness is the best way out.. or consult ryan's elders.. as in the more experienced ones.. haiz..

"this complicated guy is out of options in life.. the only option he has left is to do something he will regret.. should he?? or shouldnt he.??"

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back again!! hmm.. breakdown since the last post: CA birthday and clubbing..

CA's birthday was a blast!! haha.. hai hao la.. ryan reached at about 6 den started the fire for the bbq pit.. awhile after ryan reached.. jeremy reached.. haha.. talked about alot of stuff la.. den nurul came down.. supposed to wear the headscarf but... hah. you'll know la.. haha.. she came down with her aunt who looks like her elder sister.. hhaha.. cute la they two.. lols.. when the bbq really got started.. it was okay la.. ryan was busy bbqing so didnt chat much with them until ryan finished with the bbq.. haha.. alot of people from CA's class came la.. we joked alot.. lols.. had a great time!! we chatted about the 'longkang' (means drain in english) to an 'ah neh' (basically an indian lah).. haha.. damn funny sia.. but towards the end it was back to our usual self la.. we had lots of fun.. hmm.. well CA!! ryan looking forward to the sentosa trip this coming week!! haha.. sure fun de.. lols.. just like last time.. well.. to quote SOMEONE.. thememorieswillneberbereplaced!! haha..thanks jerlin..!!(:

neways.. ryan really fed up lor.. haiz.. already say people birthday den... haiz.. really sad la.. dunno what to say la.. trusted but.. hmm.. this is the time to test the brotherhood/ friendship.. what ever you guys call it la.. those people who were there will know la.. night before ryan called den say ok.. den like this.. haiz.. dunno la.. ryan think this is the point in time where ryan lose some friends and ryan gain some friends at the same time.. sad sia.. didnt thought it will come to this.. well the blog song to ryan is damn meaningful lo.. from last time the song has been a special part of ryan.. it went through alot.. when ryan and shawnie bro quarreled and also when ryan and lewis quarreled.. haiz.. now.. how to save a life?? (pardon the pun)

well a few people that ryan made friends with is .. lets see.. there's moon, benben, wei hao, zen, shu hui, kenneth lim and a few more.. haha.. too many people la.. and ryan also got short term memory.. haha.. cant blame.. well.. lets cut the emo crap and change the subject ya?!?!

well.. yesterday.. pon school again.. met andy at vivo.. he wanted to go for the zara job thingy la.. haha.. thought it will take some time but only like ten mins.. haha.. den we walk walk around awhile.. andy wanted to go food republic but it was damn packed. den ryan pei andy jie to the arcade there and also to the pet shop.. haha.. cute la the dogs but cant have it as a pet.. haha.. lols.. well.. after that went walking rounds again and went to the wrong place!! haha.. took the wrong escalator... wanted to go to the mrt but went to the carpark..!! haha..!! funny sia.. den andy jie damn paiseh.. haha.. den we went to the seah im food centre to eat.. thanks for the drink andy!!(: den we dunno where to go.. cos still damn bloody early.. haha.. only 2 pm le.. went back into harbourfront den go back into vivo.. haha.. siao lo..

den we went to the bus stop to take bus go town.. haha.. we in the bus there damn noisy lo.. haha.. joke here joke there.. punch here punch there.. hah.. okay la.. first time go out together.. den we went to splenelli's at hereen.. sat there to 'lim kopi'.. haha.. expensive sia.. once in a while nia.. so hai hao lo.. den we saw benji, brian and CY!! haha.. benji didnt go school again today.. wah.. den we joined them lo.. they wanted to go paragon and taka and wisma for shopping.. jiu we just followed.. haha.. den kana suan by benji lo.. he say about ryan and andy.. hah.. please lor.. cant la.. lols.. paiseh sia.. haha.. so the high profile.. lols.. just cos both wear long sleeve shirt and jeans and shoes must say until like that meh?? wah.. damn paiseh sia.. some more kana from benji le.. jiu just keep quiet.. hah..

den along the way walk walk at there suddenly emo lo.. dunno why..listen to mp3 awhile.. borrow andy's also.. listen lo.. he also got alot of nice songs la.. thaks andy for the mp3!! hmm.. den we went back to cineleisure to look for some people.. say calli, mingyang and imran.. haha.. they were eating at the basement kopitiam.. lols.. sat there awhile and den went up to L9 play dota.. SIAN LOR!! haha.. they play dota.. ryan there sleep awhile.. haha.. siao rite.. but really fell asleep lo.. so tired.. den after they play dota.. we all hang out at the cafe in front of cine awhile before heading to... CLUBBING!! wah.. suddenly got like extra battery life sia.. haha..!! dunno where the energy came from.. lols..

went to the kopitiam nearby the club first for dinner.. pei-ed shu hui, kenneth lim and andy lim(they got no relations wor!!)eat dinner.. den after that we went into the club first.. haha.. got the chop den ryan and andy went over to the other club on tras street first to check out the crowd.. AND THERE WAS NONE!! EMPTY!! what the fcuk?!?! hah.. went back to the first club there lo.. hang around there den started to play some games where the loser MUST drink.. haha.. damn fun!! sorry shu hui..!! had to make you drink so much.. was like alot lo. but you very sporting la.. haha.. damn sporting lo she.. haha.. den danced!! haha.. so damn scared to go on podium sia.. lols.. but sabo-ed andy push him on stage lor.. hah.. lan lan must go up de.. haha.. also got VERY INTERESTING things lo that happened there.. haha.. but as what they say.. WHAT HAPPENED ON THE DANCE FLOOR STAYS ON THE DANCE FLOOR.. so too bad.. wanna know the details.. call or sms ryan lo.. haha...!! well.. ryan left there when it closed at 3.. went for supper den wei hao's gor send ryan home after sending wei hao home.. thanks wei hao's gor!! lucky wei hao's gor stay nearby.. if not die.. cos felt abit high and drunk abit.. drank too much lor.. the drinks there VERY CONCENTRATED!! but good!! worth the money lo..

well tonight going back there to club again!! meeting people there.. but ryan wont leave home so early lo.. maybe at about 9 like that.. meet them at the club itself.. hah.. tired la.. wanna rest.. hha.. if not later chiong until siao.. neways.. maybe next week starting work liao lo.. so must chiong until siao liao lo.. haha.. and also got sentosa trip.. hhaaha.. like very big business man wor?? so busy.. lols.. neways.. takkire.. hah.. ryan just wrote a 5000 essay.. lols..

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