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Ryan.
turns 20 on 25122008
Capricorn

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April 2007
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October 2007
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Sunday, September 30, 2007

reminiscence of 29/08/07...

PLAY-ed last night with the clique..

it was a very bad experience.. cos firstly it was a special day for him.

something happened last month on the very day.. yes..
29/08/2007

and ryan was planning to get drunk.. yes.. drunk.. but didnt expect it to be so soon.. didnt even have time to dance on the dance floor.. was knocked out at midnight until about 3am.. bad experience..

thanks guys for all the assistance rendered(:

dunno what he'll do without eu guys.. well.. was already drinking before meeting chuan wei kor..

had chivas coke and vodka ribena..

something like that.. mixed up alot of drinks and it was really strong!! plus after meeting chuan wei kor he also shared with ryan some drinks.. haha! and everything after that is history!! dont even know that some people carried ryan to and fro.. haha! all he realised is that he was semi-conscious outside the club at abut 4am.. sat down at the market for drinks to chill.. cab-ed to yishun at 6am with imran and darren.. thanks guys!! (:

reached home at 6.30 and showered.. slept til 5pm!! woke up and chatted on msn with few people.. looks like there are a few people who knows that ryan was drunk!! OMG!! so paiseh.. news spreads so fast..

well.. today was a day at home.. cos was having hangover and didnt feel like going out.. resting.. alot of stuff are lingering in his head..

about the past. about the present..

heard some news somewhere and wasnt happy nor sad.. why?
cos he knew that that person's a player.. and its nothing new..
well.. will just pen some thoughts..

----------------------------------------

though people are calling eu a bitch, he doesn't care.. cos he knows that deep inside..

eur just finding it hard to settle down...

and when eu are.. he'll be ready to accept eu again.. he's willing to wait.. why? cos he knows..
the one he loves is eu.. though he thought that he could forget eu.. come on.. who's he lying to? himself? but he knows that eu'll never accept him back..

cos all eu want is for people to accept eu back and not for eu to accept people..
do eu know how painful it is inside to get the feeling of rejection..??
yes.. eu dont like rejection.. cos it hurts..
but how do think people feel when eu reject them?!?!

people say that ryan's emo and stuff.. especially when he teared for eu when eu left.. well..

he's not scared of tearing . but eu just walked away
without hearing him out for a moment.

and that would surely piss off any tom, dick or harry.. but he wasnt.. cos he loves eu too deeply.. and he's willing to forgive.. though people say its stupid and dumb.. he's still willing to do.. cos that's what love is..

to love is to forgive..

but we know as well..

love cant be forced..

and he wont.. but if there comes a day when eu come back..

he'll be there for eu..

Thursday, September 27, 2007

thursday's emo-post..

some housekeeping before going into emo-post..

well.. bitching about ryan doesnt help when all you hear is nothing but word itself..

and now you just made it PERSONAL..

guess what..? come a day.. you'll know ryan's true colours too.. since you showed him eurs.. best of luck facing him (:

--------------------------

well.. 27th-29th is an important date in the calendar. being that only you know.. its heart-wrenching knowing that you've been two-timed.. adding salt to the wound, being that person gave you hope.. but guess that's just it.. hope.. though its gonna be a month til then.. he can still say that he still is in a minor-depression state.. scenes of the MSQ incident haunts him still.. and it never fades his mind for a single moment. why must it happen? if what you says still stands, then why are you still trying to be informed of his life? friends? false hopes? you're just giving him more and more false hopes can? haiz..
cant you make a stand and stay? you're making the world more confusing..

Quit Playing Games (with my heart)
Baby...Ooh...
Even in my heart, I see
You're not being true to me
Deep within my soul, I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad, baby
Quit playing games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playing games with my heart
Before you tear us apart (with my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart
I should've know from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearing us apart (my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart

I live my life, the way
To keep you coming back to me
Everything I do
Is for you
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad, baby you'd better quit playing games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playing games with my heart
Before you tear us apart (with my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart
I should've know from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearing us apart (my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart

Quit playing games
Baby, baby
The love that we had was so strong
Don't leave hangin' here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not a lie
Let's stop this tonight

Baby, ohh, quit playing games
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Nah nah nah nah nah baby
Nah nah nah nah

Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad baby
Quit playing games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playing games with my heart
Before you tear us apart (with my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart
I should've know from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearing us apart (my heart)
Quit playing games with my heart
Quit playing games

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Nah nah nah nah nah baby
Nah nah nah nah

Quit playing ganes with my heart
With my heart, with my heart
With my heart, with my heart

----------------------------------

now he's totally unbalanced emotionally.. why? cos the situation now that he's in.. moving on is the hardest part in life.. but he still has to..

thanks for the small chat noel (:
guess its time for him to move on in life yupp?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

discriminates..

yesterday was another full-of-commotion day.. and its NOT at cine.. its at BUGIS.. omg.. its like there's trouble once we step into town.. haiz.. and the worst was while the group ton-ed the night at ryan's place.. let him tell eu this once and for all..

he HATES people who DISCRIMINATE.

especially someone's sexual orientation.. its like.. what's wrong with people being gays or lesbians?? is it wrong in current times? there are even people saying that its a common trend now.. walk down orchard road and eu can EASILY find someone who's either a gay or a lesbian.. and as friends, we should be supportive enough.. cos other then the fact that the one they love are of the same sex, THEY ARE STILL OUR FRIENDS.. and trust him.. there's more to them than what meets the eye.. and what hurts them (gays and lesbians) most are FRIENDS TURNING THEIR BACK ON THEM.. yes.. all of a sudden eu tell them all the pretty things of being straight.. come on..

BEING PLASTIC KILLS!!

and this is based on the encounter of a close friend of ryan's.. and well.. ryan's just blowing off steam.. cos he knows how it feels like being discriminated.. but..

being discriminated by a GOOD FRIEND just pulls eur reputation down once the news gets on the streets..

ryan dont know what will happen but based on what his friends says.. just a word of caution to that person...

EU should know what EU got eurself into..

ryan wish he could help but some things just cant be helped.. no matter how he tries..

-----------------------------------

well.. he's more relieved that some part of the complication is over and for once he thought he can move on without worries.. BUT HE IS SO WRONG... he was heart-broken after what eu told him last night.. yes.. he knows that eur not in the right frame of mind.. that's why he chooses not to take it to heart.. he slept beside the sofa that eu were sleeping on.. companion? or just wanna be close?

guess that some things just need time and mutual understanding.. and he hope eu understand what he's trying to say.. yes he's afraid.. cos there's always risks in a relationship.. and if he can understand the relationship better.. he will dare to take the risks..

cos he knows eu'll be there every step of the way..

and now that eu know his true feelings.. tell him eur true feelings please.. dont leave him in the dark.. )':

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

afraid..

was in town today.. total commotion.. what's up with the world today..?? so many problems and plasticity towards each other.. guess that's life huh? well.. met up in town at 3 with the usual bunch at longjohn.. bumped into gapser there.. chatted about the days back where we slacked in woodlands.. L4-ed a few times at the arcade.. sian of that bloody place liao.. there's at least 5 commotion there today..

trouble, trouble, trouble..
problem, problem, problem..

well.. wont be slacking there anytime soon ba..

---------------------------------

why is that people think that way?

he doesnt go around "spreading the love"..

he is just that way in nature? must people always take his actions as a sign? sick and tired..

had a few great moments today with eu..
though it wasnt long..

would want it to be that way but guess some things just stop at that.. hope that everything will be just fine in a few days time and he hope he can continue from where he ended.. the feelings are mutual but there are sometimes that he gets overwhelmed with feelings.. and that's where he gets afraid..

SO AFRAID TO LOVE AGAIN

afraid of getting to caught up in a relationship..
afraid of misinterpreting feelings..

there's just so much to say but some things just get in the way.. hope the next few days will solve the problem on hand..

----------------------------------

It's amazing the things you realize when you lose someone.

You get mad at yourself for not saying things you could've a million times.
you take for granted days spent doing nothing when you could have been with them.
Anyone can be taken at any time in our lives.

But we always wait until they're gone to say things we never had courage to before...

Monday, September 24, 2007

afraid to fall again...

hey guys!! he's back!! haha!! (:
well.. ryan's back from the operation.. its kinda sucky but some things just dont go eur way right?? was discharged on friday afternoon and went down PS to meet cynthia and caden.. made our way to cine and met the whole gang there.. there was eugenia(not eugenia girlfriend.. this is a totally different person),noel, vinvin, babybenji, xiaoboy.. everyone went PLAY except babybenji and xiaoboy.. they went back with ryan to change before meeting the rest in boatquay.. slacked there until 7am.. cabbed home with noel, vinvin, cynthia.. thanks noel for the ride home!! (:

saturday went town to meet up with jingjing at cine.. bumped into weijie and chuanwei.. supposedly was running a temperature and wanted to go home.. but they wanted ryan to go club as well so he went.. went down with caden, sebas, jingjing, eugenia, noel, vinvin.. there was some commotion nearby the club.. there's always something there everyday.. haiz..

supposedly everyone is to ton at sebas's place but due to some reasons.. noel had to come over to ryan's place to slack til 7.. but we fell asleep instead!! haha!! woke up at 12.. rushed to sebas's place and slacked til 5.. NOEL PANG SEH US!! hahaha!! no la.. he was tired so went home to sleep.. neways.. thanks noel for the treat this few days!! (: town-ed at about 8pm? dinner-ed in town and train-ed home..

----------------------------------------

feeling different this few days.. especially on sunday.. loads of things are on his mind.. the happyness that he celebrated 1 month ago.. 1 MONTH AGO!! haiz.. its been that long..?? and now.. a new complication arises and ryan knows that he's too involved in it.. haiz.. wish to stay low awhile..

he knows what happened the past few days..

and for once in a very long time..
he's HAPPY ..

but there's just somethings that he cant forget.. and he doesnt wanna cheat on eu.. seriously.. he still needs a break for now.. no commitments.. after what happened the last time..

he's very AFRAID to fall in love..

he doesnt want another meltdown.. he knows the consequences of having one too well.. but believe him..

he's happy every moment of it..

he doesnt want eu to go through what happened to him in the past.. cos he knows the feeling just sucks.. give him some time to think it through okay? he'll let eu know.. and he'll solve the problems with the rest involved..

promise..
(:
<3!

Friday, September 21, 2007

short entry.. long meaning..

thanks guys for the support and confidence eu gave him today.. he just wish that he can pull through in one piece.. feeling nervous and scared.. well.. its gonna be a 2hr op.. and he'll be in the OT in 6 hrs.. thanks again! (:

looking forward to meeting eu guys again
sometime, somewhere, someplace in the near future!!

well.. today was a fun day.. mey up with jingjing and the buang group!! LOLS !! perhaps we'll meet at clubbing sometime aites?? stay wrong!! LOL!!

waited for eugenia girlfriend to finish work at 11 today.. hellven working also.. so we waited together (: jarett came and we 4 left for hong kong cafe!! new menus.. some looks tasty.. gonna try it some day ya??

train-ed home today.. gonna miss town for awhile.. take care guys!! thanks for the well wishes.. appreciate it.. sorry cant let out which hospital is he in.. personal preference aites?? take care all!! (:

ohya, 3 songs tonight for emo-ing!!
emo rawks his smelly socks!! LOL!!

take care of eur sore eyes aites??
drink more water and avoid seafood for the time being..
get lots of rest okay??
take care.. xiaoxin.. (:

last songs before he part..

Never had a dream come true
S Club 7

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you know

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on

You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye
No no no no

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say (words to say)
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
A part of me will always be with you

-----------------------------------------------------

"Perfect World"
Simple Plan

I never could’ve seen this far
I never could’ve seen this coming
Seems like my world’s falling apart

Yeah

Why is everything so hard
I don’t think I can deal with the things you said
It just won’t go away

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all

I used to think that I was strong
Until the day it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through

Yeah

I wish that I could bring you back
I wish that I could turn back time
Cuz I can’t let go
I just can’t find my way
Yeah
Without you I just can’t find my way

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all

I don’t know what I should do now
I don’t know where I should go
I’m still here waiting for you
I’m lost when you’re not around
I need to hold on to you
I just can’t let you go

Yeah
Yeah

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all
Nothing, nothing at all
Nothing at all

-----------------------------------------------------

Only One
Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

Thursday, September 20, 2007

one last night before leaving behind the world

went to saloon!! ryan dyed and had his haircut!! HE LOVES HIS HAIR NOW!! LOL!! its so darn nice la.. its supposed to be a gift from someone before ryan leaves for the operation.. thanks alot(: well.. ryan reached parkway at 1 and met up with senior stylist alfred.. was there for like 3 hrs?? yupp!! LOL!! but it was a fun experience.. he wanted to shave off a part of his head and do some stripe thingy but cancelled that last minute.. this looks even better!!

after that.. cab-ed down to meet shilin and eugenia at BK@wheelock.. FOR ONCE ryan was 45 mins late.. after that, cine-ed.. sat at the coke launch area at L5.. slacked there watching movie trailers!!

met hellven.. he was watching movie with ex-classmates.. haha!! was until 10 when jarett called and wanted to met up.. jarett was in town for a friends' birthday!! and boy did he dressed up to the occasion!! haha!! den jarett got a call saying that kennethsuperstar is in town!! haha!! all the night owls are out!! from then on ryan knew there's an 80% chance we're ton-ing the night!! LOL!

first thing when we met up.. he was asking "how?? want to ton where??" LOL! expected!! chatted and slacked at BK@cine before going outside rocky's.. JARETT.. 1 YEAR FROM TODAY AITES?? LOL!! when we wanted to walk over to the mrt station to go home(supposedly) kennethsuperstar was asking us to ton instead of going home.. argh!! AND HE MADE US LOSE THE LAST TRAIN!! he was laughing all the way when jarett called him.. darnass!!

so ryan, kennethsuperstar, shilin, hellven and jarett decided to ton at jarett's place.. we flagged down at least 10 cabs before we got 1.. cos not many cabs wanna take 5 people!! IRRITATING!! reached there at 2?? talked about jarett's room cos he wants to redecorate his room.. also chatted about many people's backgrounds.. kennethsuperstar bitched jarett all night long!! and jarett is also very bitchy de!! LOL!! see the way he bitch very what leh.. face no expression de.. acting innocent!! haha!!

went down to punggol park kopitiam there to ear supper.. jarett and ryan sat and watched soccer instead!! -.=" hahaha!! saw that 1 goal.. after that da bao some food for hellven and left.. slept for 1 hr plus til 7 den left for home..

been spitting blood more and more often now!!
spitted like 4 times yesterday!! argh!!
so used to it already that when people asked if ryan really spit blood ryan is like.. "err.. ya.."

now ryan just woke up from sleep.. haha!! so tired.. 20 hrs to operation time..
scared?? YUPP
happy?? NOPE

feels so lazy to do the op but friends are behind the idea.. and ryan dont wish to let them down.. just go for the stupid op and get it over and done with..fcukcare whatever the outcome is..

will be online the whole night later today before he leaves for the op.. haiz.. thinking of the op is giving such a mixed feeling!! why??

21st IS A VERY IMPORTANT AND MEMORIES-FILLED DATE!! LOVE WAS FOUND 1 MONTH AGO!!
<||3 )':
NOW EU KNOW WHY RYAN DONT WANNA GO?!?!
haiz.. suan le la.. nothing he can do now..

ohya!! thurday again!! emo night!! argh!! will blog something on that tonight!!
heard that eur having sore-eyes.. dont put too much eyedrops.. just let it rest.. get some sleep.. dont rub on it too much.. take care.. xiaoxin..
WELL~! til then..
see ya!! (:

1 month ago.. eu never loved me.. eu only loved the idea of me <||3 )':

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

seeing eu.. <||3

today was like any other day.. except towards the end.. walked all the way from cine to raffles city to find hellven.. chatted for awhile before he left..

before that.. watched i know who killed me.. very gore that show.. 4/5 for the bloody scenes.. just that he expected more from lindsay lohan.. the ending's fairly predictable and sudden as well..

train-ed home.. took the last one to jurong east.. lots of things was on his mind..
what is left of him??
what should he do now?
what should he prioritise??

as usual.. he plucked on his mp3.. as he reached ang mo kio,
he saw someone..
he took another look..
was that really eu??
fcukshit!!
it was..

was he happy to see eu?? YES
was he sad to see eu?? YES

seeing eu today was the last thing that he wanted.. not that he didnt wanna see eu.. his thoughts was exactly on eu..
thinking where eu are..
thinking if eu had eur dinner..
thinking if eur happy..
so many things to ask.. so little time..

song that was playing on the mp3?? my guardian angel by red jumpsuit apparatus.. only eu know how much that song means to him.. and he swears to god he wept.. all the way to yishun.. for that one time.. he was so overwhelmed with emotions.. why??

for 3 weeks he didnt get to even hold eu a single bit.. and in a few days he's going for the operation.. he dont know what's the actual outcome of the operation.. and he wont know how long he'll be warded.. everything seems so unclear now that the op is in the way..

all he can say to eu is to take care while he's off in hospital.. he hope eu wont make him worry.. eu'll always be on his mind throughout the op.. he's also making a vow..

ONCE THE OPERATION IS OVER.. RYAN WILL QUIT SMOKING ALTOGETHER!!

yes.. self-declared and on own will.. why?? cos though there are some people who he calls friends are out to take him down.. he feels assured that there are something called TRUE FRIENDS and they're always asking ryan to quit.. and this time.. he'll do it.. no matter how hard it is.. for once and for all.. he'll quit.. yes.. jiayou lai en..!! (:

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

wheelock-ed today..

slacked at wheelock instead of cine.. its darn boring la at cine.. went paragon and wheelock to look at crumpler bags.. leon got one for herself.. ryan may buy the laptop case.. well.. today wasnt in the mood to fast.. tinkering about the operation.. well.. that's another story..

ryan and girlfriend, eugenia! LOL!
outside apple centre @ wheelock place

after dinner. outside wheelock

why is ryan's eyes closed?!?!?

this pic is supposed to be take when ryan was soundly asleep in the train..
but.. he woke up sensing that something was wrong..
he opened his eyes and.. *snaps!!* pic was taken..

hates this moment!!

ryan hates the operation!! why must it come in the way of everything?!?! why must it come at this point of time?!?! spoilt all his plans!! spoilt all the preparations!! now he gotta start all over again.. now he's really tinkering about going.. a phrase keeps on popping out in his mind..

part of growing up is MAKING eur own DECISIONS
and LIVING the CONSEQUENCES..

what's the consequences of going or not going for the op?? haiz.. *tinkering*

Sunday, September 16, 2007

drunk ryan

yesterday's agenda was to meet at eugenia's place.. there was hellven, jarett, jiale, leon, shilin, and of course eugenia and ryan.. we were supposed to meet at 3pm but instead due to unforeseen circumstances, we met up at 7 instead.. WTH?! 4 hrs late..

camwhored while waiting.. look at jarett.. looks SO pissed off, haha!!

went up to her place for dinner..

family portrait?!?! LOL!

had spaghetti and mushroom soup..

den we went... *drumrolls*

BLOCK CATCHING!!

eugenia's sis joined us for the fun as well!! haha..!! we were crazy la.. played the full block.. 12 floors!! OMG!! so tiring.. haha!! but had fun..!! first 2 catchers were eugenia and hellven!! haha..! and hellven caught none of us!! eugenia caught shilin, ryan, jiale and her sis.. since thought caught was automatically catchers, all SIX of us tried finding jarett!! AND WE COULDNT MANAGE!! OMG!! we even combed down all the stairs together la!! haha.. and cant find him.. AT LAST!! ryan caught jarett hiding behind some cement piles!! haha...!! and ryan dont wish to say out the unglam thing that happened to jarett!! haha!! poor thing hor!! LOL !

next game's catchers was eugenia's sis and jarett.. and ryan tell eu something!! JARETT IS A FAST RUNNER!! OMG!! HE CHIONGSTER LA!! hahaha!! chase after ryan until he so tired.. and jarett dont seem like he broke a single sweat la.. OMG!! jarett never run.. jarett fly!! OOPS!!

after that it was almost 10.. time sure flies when eur having fun!! LOL! we went back for supper!!

spaghetti again!!

with PINEAPPLE AND LONGAN FRUIT PUNCH as dessert!!

haha!! WTH!! bitch jiale!! say until so loud!! chatted with eugenia's mom at the dinner table.. fun conversation. lots of bitching around!! we officially have 2 LATE QUEEN and 1 PANG SEH QUEEN!! wanna know who?? tag!! LOL! at about 11.30 was the climax of the night!!

BACARDI AND SPRITE!! haha!!

VODKA APEACH!! YUMMY~~!!

ryan drank about half of the bacardi, haha!! and went DRUNK!! wth!! so unglam~!! haha!! the more unglam one is JARETT, HAHA!!

look at the difference!! before and after drinking!!

look at how red his face is!!
sorry bro~!! one night only!!

wont mention anything.. haha.. just that he was red after 1 glass..!! and after that.. we chatted alot!! sang songs and laughed at the lamest jokes and the bitchy-est of remarks.. talking about secondary schools and the good 'ol days.. haiz.. reminiscence of the past.. those carefree and hyper days.. ate again?!?!

maggie!!

as the night wanders on.. looking at how some people cuddle up with their loved ones just get ryan weak in the knees.. haiz.. looking at how lovely they look cuddling up with each other.. well.. some people are just not meant to be in love..!! feel the agony!! argh!! well.. SPREAD THE LOVE AND JOY!! YEA HUH~!!

woke up at 10 and had breakfast!!

woops~~ not fasting today.. haha!!

other random shots!! enjoy~~!!

PRINCE!! eur eyes!! OMG, haha!!

they look so alike!!
hellven SIT!! good doggy!! LOL!
*ryan is so dead if hellven sees this!! OMG!OMG!*

prince!! eu look so much like hellven now, haha!!

eu two look like eu guys need to use the toilet!!

this is what 1 bottle of coke can do to eu!!
BLOATED TUMMY!! LOLS !

hellven..
with his best impersonation of.. HIMSELF?!?!

hellven!! erm.. but is that a SKIRT?!?! LOLS!!

well.. tmr perhaps.. after that cabbed to ang mo kio with jarett and shilin.. den 853-ed home.. HOME SWEET HOME!! well.. not looking forward to it as mom will KPKB!! haha!!

ryan wants life to be as what it was in the past when we first met.. playing and messing each other's hairs and joking and bitching each other.. running from paragon to far east and even just a simple stroll down town just to pass time.. within 2 months.. he sees that just ONE relationship brings the downfall of 8 friendship ties.. and NOW.. ryan rather sacrifice ONE relationship for 8 people's friendship ties.. cos he knows.. friends, at our age, are everything.. and if EU are reading this.. eu know eu have US as friends.. eur not alone and eur life's not boring.. EU HAVE US..

Saturday, September 15, 2007

memoriestooprecioustolosebuttoopainfultokeep

how is he to forget??
how is he to move on??

things dont just change in a snap.. rather it takes time.. as the old cliche goes "time heals all wounds", but "absence makes the heart grow fonder".. haiz.. so in a daze..

well.. sentosa AGAIN yesterday.. well.. yesterday is the last time that ryan will be there until like in december or even later.. yupp.. neways.. the peace and serenity of that place just gives ryan some time off.. though its raining.. the sounds of the raindrops just adds on to the calmness.. seriously.. alot has been going on.. especially the past few days.. accepting the fact that one is gone and never to return is never easy for him.. and after 17 lonely, tear-filled, silent and unloved nights.. sad to say.. this fact hasnt been truly accepted.. ryan is such a BIG disappointment to his friends.. SIGH.. going to sentosa has made him think alot.. about loving someone.. he knows he cant hold on too long.. he knows he cant stay in this state.. HE HAS TO MOVE ON.. those words are hard to say and accept.. but he knows he needs to make the first move and try..

"I wish you'd look at me that way again
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
cos to you all I am Is the invisible man"
)':

Friday, September 14, 2007

eucapturedhim

he's mad at himself, not eu. he's mad at himself for always being nice. he's mad at himself for always apologizing for things he didn't do.he's mad at himself for getting attached. he's mad at himself for depending on eu and wasting his time on eu. he's mad at himself for thinking about eu, and most of all for not hating eu when he should.

Every song that plays is just another excuse for him to think about eu. Do eu honestly think anyone else is on his mind when he's listening to that song? Do eu remember when eu told him eu'd never leave him? he'd never felt so safe.

he can't believe he fell so hard.
he knew eu weren't going to be there
to catch him when he falls.

Oh, how it feels so real, lying here with no one near.

he close his eyes and try to remember the way eu felt next to him days after eu're gone. And somehow he know that until now, thoughts of eu will still keeps him awake at night.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

official emo days.. thursdays..

argh!! HE HATES EU!! what the hell are friends for?? looking out for one another? piece of crap la.. fcuk eu go. he dont need friends like eu la.. what's the point of having a friend when all that eu do is piss people off? haiz.. suan le la.. he hate eu for what eu've done..

well.. today was a day in suntec!! haha.. ryan met up with caden and went chilling at starbucks in the evening.. waited for jia le to reach and go buy her stuff.. den met up with sebas to eat.. LAKSA AGAIN!! haha.. they're so not sick of it.. then we went for donuts!! haha!!

and at $12.50 for 12 assorted flavours.. its to die for!! haha.. we went there twice!! that's how good it is.. but its VERY sinful.. but once in a while is great i guess.. haha.. gonna get a few more tries at it..

well.. went to IP ZONE at suntec to see some people.. haha.. chatted and joked.. it was a fun time PR-ing.. that dajieda.. joker.. haha..! went arcade awhile and slacked and chatted at the fountain of wealth.. interesting things ryan found out.. haha.. about eugenia bitch.. LOLS !

MALE BITCH IS BACK!! MISSES!!
LOLS!! MISS BITCHING EU!!

well.. tmr is the start of the fasting month and ryan vows something. that he'll do a FULL fast for10 out of the 30 days. LOL ! dont laugh.. its NOT easy okay?? the rest maybe not.. haha.. well.. gotta keep away from clubs and pubs for the month too.. until 15th Oct.. yupe..

well... will be going sentosa this friday!! AGAIN~?!?! well.. school's starting soon and ryan wanna enjoy before school semester starts full swing.. but nevermind.. he still has the 2 weeks of off day.. haha!!! will be put to excellent use.. promise!! haha...

ohya.. thursdays are officially emo days.. cos it symbolises something.. and for that.. ryan will have somethings emo up on thursdays.. haha.. this week is a song that relates well to ryan..

Title: 'N Sync - Gone lyrics

There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
Oh, seems so long ago you walked away
Left me alone
I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
and maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

Was it something I said
To make you turn away?
To make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way
To make it so that you were right here
But right now..

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains..

You're gone..
You're gone..
Baby you're gone
Girl you're gone, baby girl, you're gone..
You're gone..
You're...

I don't wanna make excuses, baby
Won't change the fact that you're gone
But if there's something that I could do
Won't you please let me know?
Time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
and maybe I could change my every day
But baby I don't want to

So I'll just hang around
and find some things to do
To take my mind off missing you
and I know in my heart
You can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do

Yeeaah....

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I Drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

You're gone..
You're gone..
You're gone
You're gone...you're gone.. you're....
Gone

Ohhh...

Oh what'll I do
If I can't be with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Baby where will I be
Now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart?
Baby why don't you see?
That I need you here with me
Oohhh...

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

Been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

You're gone..
You're gone..
You're gone
You're gone
Gone
You're gone..

But the truth remains
You're....
----------------------------------------------------------

well.. its getting tiring.. gotta turn in soon.. wanan!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

ryan hate...!!

ryan hates the fact that he vomits blood every darn morning!! hates the fact that life is complicated!! hates the fact that fales hopes are given!! hates all that!!

but he thank god.. why??

MALE BITCH IS BACK TODAY!!
hahaha!!

ohya.. will blog on fasting month tonight.. haha.. is he fasting? LOL ! til then..

cafe del mar?? bora bora??

went to sentosa again!! last minute plans by caden.. called ryan at 12noon while ryan was having is beauty sleep.. argh!! so sleepy.. washed up and left home.. reached vivo at 2.15 and waited at the lobby to the sentosa monorail.. caden reached with his friend at 2.30 and cab-ed to sentosa's siloso beach.. walked bout 5 mins to cafe del mar.. only ordered coke while caden and his friend ordered pina colada and mango tango.. both are just as great.. as usual.. ryan and caden chilled in the pool and chatted about current affairs and also about the complicated world that we live in.. haha..

caden's friends called and we had to go over to pahlawan beach instead.. wth?!?! ryan dragged his ass to pahlawan.. had our meal there and we headed to bora bora.. its kinda like cafe del mar but its a more of a kampong style.. and the best thing of all.. the staff there was VERY friendly.. ya.. we addressed each other by names.. that's how far their personal touch goes.. very hospitable.. well.. there.. caden's friends had beer while ryan had tequila shot.. haha.. its darn high can?? after like 5 mins.. the effect takes over.. stood up and woosh~! the HIGH feeling.. phew.. lucky can still control.. hhaha..

played by the beach and watched the sunset.. its darn nice from pahlawan beach can?? if ryan had a digicam... sure take the pic de.. so nice.. if ryan got date sure go there de.. haha.. well.. dont think so..

every wound leaves a scar.. and SOME scar just CANT be covered up..

ya.. so.. NEXT DATE?!?! FORGET IT.. go there relax more better.. haha.. left at 7.45.. walked pass the new musical fountain at siloso beach.. darn nice also.. haaha.. gonna go in sometime perhaps.. well.. seems like sentosa nightlife is as great as the day..

cab-ed to cine to meet eugenia.. supposed to teach her finance for her test tomorrow.. jiayou okay?? eu can do it de.. ryan has faith.. eur not dumb.. just a little slow~ haha..

tmr's plans?? hmm.. planning to go ps to slack with the group.. shilin.. caden.. maybe eugenia?? ya.. den maybe evening going to tanah merah ferry terminal to fetch people.. haha.. yupe..

JERVY'S BACK TMR!! YAHOO~~!! my bitching partner!!
its so sian without eu can..!! haha.. no one to bitch.. haha!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

town is freaking boring!!!

as usual.. another town day.. darn boring can?? reach town at 1 cos ryan was supposed to go jobhunting.. met up with caden at somerset and went to meridian for lunch as we were meeting his friend.. finished lunch.. smoked..

ohya.. talking of this.. ryan went for the medical checkup on the lung infection and throat infection and bleeding.. well.. sad to say.. its getting from bad to worse.. the latest scan concludes that the lung inflammation is under control but the throat bleeding is worsening.. there seem to be a lump on ryan's throat (dunno where.. doctor's england too chim) due to smoking and drinking.. may need to go under the knife to remove the lump.. ryan may not be able to swallow food or drink (or cigarette) and ryan's voice may be lost for a few days.. plus the thing is.. it may not be successful as ryan has had some complications in the past.. haiz.. surgery is only 40% chance of success.. haiz.. without surgery also can but swallowing may be a problem and the lump may worsen if it goes more acidic (means no spicy, hot food and also no cigarette.. WHAT?!?!).. now it goes to another point.. worth it?? hmm.. alexandra hospital is giving til 20th to make a decision.. how?? any ideas??

well.. back to the topic.. went to the building for the interview.. haha.. firstly.. we got lost.. as in we went to the wrong building.. secondly.. when we went to the right building we dunno what is the company name.. hahaaa!!! wth.. caden made a few phone calls and got the name.. went in and wrote the forms.. now waiting for the calls..!! went to topshop, g2000, ip zone, SnK... going to other outlets in the next few days.. after the hunting.. went to smoke and bumped into caden's friend, kenneth.. smoked and spoke awhile til 4.30..

eugenia bitch arrived.. ahahaha..!! LATE AS USUAL!! xi guan jiu hao.. LOL ! .. went down to cine AGAIN~! ryan is so sick of that place can?? its so boring and nothing to do.. on the way there went to MOS burger at orchard emerald.. saw someone working there.. haha. didnt chat much.. cos ryan and eugenia was chatting about some stuff.. quite a HOT topic.. hahah.. met shi lin at cine and went to slack at rocky's.. so sian can?? chatted about the past and brought alot of things up.. how should ryan put it?? wonderful memories or just plain dumb?? hmm.. well.. heard of a quarrel about some couple and tried simmering things down.. ryan cam whored too..!! haha. so boring can?? for the first time ryan asked to camwhore cos there's just nothing to do..!! argh!!

bitch and ryan

ryan and shi lin

smoking is a great ice breaker topic.. right shi lin??
hahaha..

ryan and shilin again..

omg.. shi lin's briiant!!
she dyed my with hair purple spots..!! hahah..
---------------------------------------------------------------------

sentosa pics are up!! yay~!!

cam whored alot since we were at cafe del mar and we just played in the pool there..

OMG!! its so nice can?? the environment was great and the view?? GEORGEOUS!! HAHAHA!!

had sex on the beach.. OMG!! its darn nice.. darn it!! what were eu thinking?? the drink eu idiot!!! haha.. well.. supposed to meet at 11 at harbourfront to go sentosa.. instead.. left for sentosa only at 1 plus.. argh!! appologies jervy on behalf of those who are late!! he had to wait close to 2 hrs.. =.='' well.. had fun there joking and laughing at jokes.. had alot of heart to heart talk as there's just a few of us.. confessions were made and truth were said.. just between the few of us.. yupe.. jervy had to leave early as he needs to prepare for the BINTAN TRIP.. he didnt bring clothes so he was kinda left out from the fun in the pool.. well..

SOME PEOPLE GOING BINTAN LEH.. WHAT IS SENTOSA RIGHT?? hahaha...

well.. he wasnt left out from the camwhoring that's for sure..!! hahah!

4 of us at the poolside

another one.. doesnt roy looks like an auntie?? MAXWELL AUNTIE!!

ryan, eugenia and jervy

ryan and bitch.. haha!!

ryan and caden

the sentosa trip made ryan think alot.. yes.. about life.. about relationships.. about the past, present and future.. about what's next.. the good times and the bad times.. the sad days and the happy days.. the friends and the foes.. when friends are treasured the most.. and of course.. everyone has their emo days..!! yupe.. it gave ryan a clear picture of life.. the unpredictability of it.. one day.. many thoughts.. clear mind..

after sentosa.. we town-ed.. YES~! all 4.. town-ed unglamly can?? all was so darn tired.. ryan was so tired.. he went to the stairs to sleep!! OMG!! how unglam can THAT be?? went marina square to find sebas.. he's on duty at the marina bay "stadium".. dinner-ed at suntec had laksa.. phew.. that's the best one.. look at this.. haha..

shilin is so gonna go gaga over this!!

857-ed back to yishun with caden.. he took 965 from yishun back to seng kang.. ryan left for home.. chatted with jervy cos his last night in singapore.. PEOPLE GOING BINTAN LEH!! haaha. well. have fun there..!! chaoz~~ taggies ya?? ryan's tagboard very empty la.. just changed.. haha!!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

if love is a..

ryan misses genting.. so many memories there.. fun and shopping.. hahah.. the outdoor theme park and the rollercoaster ride.. and he swears.. he's not getting onto any rollercoaster.. why?? before the ride.. we assure each other that the ride's gonna be fun and all.. feeling assured and secured.. we take that ride.. after all the twirls and screams that just add on to the enjoyment on the ride.. out of a sudden.. the ride stops and out he goes..

next ride?? FORGET IT!!
if love is a rollercoaster, ryan has quit riding one..!!

what's love when all we get are empty promises??
what's love when all we get at the end of a "oh-eu-two-seems-so-loving" or "eu-two-very-pei" compliments from a friend or two.. is a BREAK UP..??
what's love when after all the dust is settled eu see the ugly side of the other party..??

WHAT'S LOVE??

what do eu wanna get out of a relationship?? security?? care?? concern?? sex?? money?? lets be fair.. everyone has their own definition.. and some people's definition just sucks more than others.. what's the point of having relationships when all eu want is a short term?? well.. ryan leaves it to discretion.. to him.. to have mutual gains in a relationship.. it has got to last long term.. no point going into a relationship if the only thing eu want are short term benefits..

and after 6 relationships eu just dont get it huh?? no wonder!!

Michael Learns To Rock - That's Why (You Go Away) Lyrics

Baby want you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up
Now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There aint so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Giving someone
All your love
Is never an assurance
That they’ll love you back

Some people are just not
Meant to be in your life
No matter how much
You want them to be…

You hug him/her good-bye
Like it’s nothing…
While all you want to do
Is hold on forever…

I used to smile when
I told people
That you were mine...
But now
I can’t even smile and say
Your name
At the same time…

As much as I love you…
I have to say goodbye…
Coz I know
U would be happier
If I let you go..

I’m sorry if I made you cry,
I’m sorry if tears fell from your eyes…

But remember, for every tear that fell from
Your eyes,
Three fell for mine…

Missing you
Isn’t the hardest part
Knowing I once had you
Is what breaks my heart...

I’ll never forget
The times we once shared
And I’ll always remember
How much you once cared…

Now it’s over,
It’s time to move on…

It’s never easy
To see you turning back…
But, I have to take the pain…

I know when you leave,
Distance will keep us a part…
But distance, no matter how far

Can’t change these feelings
In my heart…
Just turn your head
When you see me,
I will understand…

One day…
I will able to look you
In the eyes…
Without feeling the pain
I’ve caused you…
I hope in time
You will be happy
As you call my name,
Once again…

all good things MUST come to an end??

the week's been an eye-opener.. since ryan's resignation from his job.. he's been chilling out with his closest clique in town.. days are spent looking at how people get on with life.. its been quite a while since ryan had the liberty of chilling and not be bothered about work.. and the thoughts lingers on..

what's with people who are damned to take eu down?? they will do everything in their ability to make eu look bad.. and in the end.. karma takes over and it goes back around to them.. not to mention names but sometimes they try so hard to make eu jealous without realising that... well.. it takes more than that.. TRY HARDER!!!

for a few days.. ryan hasnt been quite himself.. well.. what's the point of waking up when eu dont even have any plans right?? well.. it used to be full of plans close to 2 weeks ago but the world came crashing down and ryan has just gotta accept it.. does he??

had a conversation with a friend over msn:
E: eh.. eu know "A"??
ryan: ya.. isnt he(censored)???
E: erm.. okay~
ryan: why?
E: ...
found out from "E" about someone.. didnt expect that person to be such a slut.. haiz..

well.. in other news.. hahaha... found out from JIA LE that she had a nightmare about ryan.. well.. in the nightmare.. ryan died.. how?? well.. he died drowning in a swimming pool WITH AN UMBRELLA!!!! WTF?? premonition..

omg.. she's brilliant.. should ryan wanna commit suicide.. that is what ryan will do.. drown himself in a swimming pool with an umbrella.. ela ela ela eh eh~~~

hmms... eug.. we're in the same boat aites?? pull through together.. well.. some things went ugly in the past week when a heap of rubbish was uncovered by a certain friend... found out that that person was the direct opposite of who he/she really is.. haiz.. found a whole heap of truth in the past weeks.. dirty laundry?? whatever!

ohya.. a new couple got matched in the past few days.. only to say.. well.. hope eu guys can last long. unlike someone.. haiz..

what's more to add..?? erm.. ohya.. JERVY's on his way (or should already reach) BINTAN... he's on a school trip for night drawing or some stuff.. should be back on wednesday evening.. well.. take care aites?? hope to see eu back soon.. misses!!! hahaha...

erm... ya.. going topshop for interview.. if it passes by any g2000 den maybe try ryan's luck also.. ryan is in such a need of cash.. since ryan's resignation and buying some stuff costing over $300 for someone which eventually went to NO BELARDIE USE.. he's broke.. and now he's in search of a new job.. retail?? FnB AGAIN?? haha.. well.. we'll see aites??

well pics of sentosa still not received yet.. argh!! CADEN!! where are eu?? darn it.. hahaa.. well.. try to get it asap..
til then chaoz~

Saturday, September 08, 2007

for the whole freaking week...

well.. ryan has been trying to get his minds off the stuff that has been happening lately.. erm.. went malaysia with sebas and shirley.. bought ciggies and also went for supper... went town a number of days.. met a few "very interesting" people... haha.. will explain later ba.. besides town-ing.. PLAY-ed with jerv and the usual bunch.. quite a commotion there huh?? well.. what's life without its suprises..?? went sentosa's cafe del mar to chill and relax..

can eu imagine?? this 2 packs of ciggies costs only SGD$5...??? hahaha.. yupe.. its only RM12 in total.. the one on the left is 2 sticks and the right is 14 sticks.. dont be fooled.. the marlboro is not sold anywhere in singapore.. its freshmint.. singapore only sells menthol..guess how long ryan took to finish everything?? 1 day.. yes.. 1 full day.. shiok..

well.. went town and met up with kenneth, hellven and jarett.. long time since ryan met kenneth and heard that he's going overseas for a whole year soon.. haiz.. why is everyone leaving?? well.. take care ya??

ryan, jarett, hellven.. taken by kenneth.. we were having supper at hong kong cafe.. cos supposedly we were to watch a movie but cancelled.. so went supper!!

the strawberry ice kachang at hong kong cafe.. kenneth and jarett dug that hole in the dessert.. sicko!! hahaha.. well.. done with supper and left with shi lin on last train to yishun..

she came over as ryan wanted to shower and change before going to sebas's place for a meet up.. shi lin was so crazy over the dressing table mirror and the full length in ryan's room.. wth?? isnt it normal?? haha... at sebas's place we were chatting until 4 when everyone cant take it.. we slept and woke up at 12?? ya.. well.. it wasnt enough sleep.. why???

if ryan had enough sleep.. he wont be sleeping on the train.. lack of sleep and this is what happens.. sleeping on train and...

people taking eur pics unnoticed.. well actually.. after this pic was taken.. ryan suddenly woke up... haha.. and they all were shocked.. serve eu right for taking these pics...

this was what we had for tea.. haha.. ya.. cant imagine that ryan actually had tea.. so weird..

this pack of condom was such an even opener.. hahha.. well.. 2 lesbians bought this pack of condoms.. wth?? 2 lesbians?? what are they doing with condoms?? besides that.. we had fun experimenting.. NO!! not THAT.. this...

poured water in the condoms and messing around with it.. well.. ehem! this condom is very thin.. haha.. really.. its very thin.. and ryan's point is...?? erm.. its thin?? hahahah...

this condom was eventually supposed to be aimed and thrown at someone but it missed and landed in the middle of cineleisure's main enterance.. and people were looking at it.. we laughed it off... hhahaha...

sentosa pics are not ready yet.. waiting for people to send finish.. perhaps tmr will blog about it.. more pics coming up soon... and another post too.. but it'll be for later..

Thursday, September 06, 2007

back after a short holiday in wordpress..

back to using blogger!! why?? well.. one main thing is that ryan will be getting a custom-made blogskin and it can only be used in blogger.. like what the fcuk right?? well.. at least its custom-made.. sorry for those who have to relink again.. take it as ryan left for a "holiday"... hmm.. besides that.. ryan is closing down wordpress as there is no need for that anymore. its over.. no need for anymore private entry and stuff.. privacy is under lock and key..

well.. ryan is still waiting for the pictures!! GET EUR ASSES IN MSN NOW!! SEND IN THOSE PICS!!

updates in ryan's life?? well.. there'll be a long post on that.. stay tuned..